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Jewish World Review Dec. 17, 2004 / 5 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Bin Laden demands to be named TIME magazine's Person of the Year

Threatens to cancel subscription | In a new audiotape released today, al-Qaeda terror mastermind Osama bin Laden demanded to be named Time magazine's Person of the Year, warning the editors of that publication that there will be "serious repercussions" if he is overlooked.

While sources in the international terror community have hinted that Mr. bin Laden has coveted the Time cover for months, today's audiotape was the clearest evidence to date of just how badly the Saudi madman wants the magazine's nod.

And although Mr. bin Laden did not specify the "repercussions" in his ultimatum, CIA analyst Davis Crowley believes that his intentions are clear: "He has threatened on several other occasions to cancel his subscription to Time and switch to Newsweek."

Mr. Crowley theorizes that the audiotape may have been released as a signal to Mr. bin Laden's operatives in the West to cancel his Time subscription "immediately" should his demands be rebuffed.

At Time magazine, spokesperson Bonnie DiMarco said that while Mr. bin Laden was "very much under consideration," he faced stiff competition from other Person of the Year contenders including the multi-platinum-selling artist Usher.

"Osama had a good year, but no one had a better year than Usher," Ms. DiMarco said.

She added that ultimatums such as Mr. Bin Laden's were "not unusual" at this time of year: "Last year, we got the same kind of crap from Trump."

Elsewhere, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans have had at least one extramarital affair with former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz