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Jewish World Review Dec. 16, 2004 / 4 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Dems embark on fact-finding mission to NASCAR

Ted Kennedy leads delegation on historic journey | Boldly going where no member of their party has ever gone before, key Democratic Party leaders embarked today on an historic fact-finding mission to Nascar.

The Nascar visit, the first ever undertaken by Democratic officials, took place only after party leaders devoted several months of research to determine precisely what Nascar was.

"Once we learned that Nascar involved cars and racing, and apparently had millions of fans, we looked at each other and said, 'We must learn more,'" said DNC chairman Terry McAuliffe.

The Democratic delegation to Nascar, headed up by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D- Mass), was then selected by "drawing straws," Mr. McAuliffe said.

After undergoing a six-week course in Nascar slang, customs and rituals, Sen. Kennedy and the other Democrats left for their mission in a forty-foot-long Plexiglas camper reminiscent of Pope John Paul II's "Popemobile."

Speaking through a public address system from inside the fortified camper, Sen. Kennedy addressed Nascar fans who had gathered at the Homestead-Miami Speedway.

"Citizens of Nascar, we come in peace," boomed Sen. Kennedy. "Please join us for a wine and cheese reception before this thrilling contest begins."

The Democrats' diplomatic overtures to Nascar were marred somewhat, observers said, when Sen. Kennedy's camper broke down, blocking all access to the speedway's restrooms.

But Mr. McAuliffe still declared the mission a success, adding that the Democrats would soon make historic fact-finding trips to Wal-Mart, Home Depot and Red Lobster.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz