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Jewish World Review Dec. 7, 2004 / 24 Kislev, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Tommy Thompson offers terrorists helpful food-contamination tips

Apologizes for incomplete food-tampering advice | "My bad."

That was the message today from outgoing Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson, who said that his statement last week that terrorists could easily contaminate the nation's food supply "lacked specific instructions" as to how such a terrorist plot could be hatched.

In his resignation speech last week, Mr. Thompson said, "For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," a statement which Mr. Thompson today called "woefully incomplete."

"It's one thing to say that contaminating the nation's food supply is easy to do and another thing to explain exactly how to do it," Mr. Thompson said.

In order to help terrorists learn precisely how to taint America's food supply, Mr. Thompson said, helpful food-contamination tips would be posted online at the Health and Human Services website.

"Any terrorist madman wanting to contaminate our food supply just needs to click on over to," Mr. Thompson said.

But within hours of Mr. Thompson's speech, international terror mastermind Osama bin Laden issued a new tape complaining that he had tried to click on the food-contamination link and had been directed to a page reading "Under Construction."

Mr. Thompson immediately apologized to the international terror community for the non-functioning food-contamination web page.

"Getting a new web page up on the Internet is not an easy thing to do," Mr. Thompson said. "It's certainly not as easy as attacking the nation's food supply."

Elsewhere, retailer Toys 'R' Us reported lower-than-expected numbers for the holiday season thus far, blaming disappointing sales of "Blow It Out Your Ass Elmo."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz