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Jewish World Review Dec. 31, 2004 / 19 Teves, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Bin Laden issues New Year's resolutions

Promises ‘not to be so bossy’ in 2005 | In a tape broadcast on New Year's Eve by the Arabic-language al Jazeera network, international terror mastermind Osama bin Laden issued a detailed list of his New Year's resolutions, with "Try not to be so bossy" topping the list.

"Try to go at least one month without ordering a jihad," Mr. bin Laden was seen saying on the tape. "You're getting to sound like a broken record with this 'jihad, jihad, jihad' business."

The Saudi madman also indicated that a high-priority resolution for 2005 would be to "stop calling everybody an infidel."

"If all you have to say about somebody is that he's an infidel, it's better not to say anything at all," Mr. bin Laden added.

The al-Qaeda terror chief then showed that he was wearing a rubber band around his right wrist, telling his worldwide audience that he was prepared to snap the rubber band every time he said "jihad" or "infidel" in 2005.

"Quitting smoking was a cinch compared to this," he ruefully predicted.

At the Central Intelligence Agency, analyst Steven Brookby said that while the conciliatory tone of Mr. bin Laden's latest tape was welcome, the world's most wanted man had a questionable record of keeping his New Year's resolutions in the past.

"Let's not forget, this is the same man who, last year at this time, said he would do a better job of trimming his beard," he said.

Elsewhere, Ukrainian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich congratulated his rival Viktor Yushchenko on winning the nation's second presidential election but challenged him to two out of three.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz