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Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 2003 / 4 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Mad Cow sent shock waves through the cattle industry on Friday with plunging prices and consumer panic. And it's all because a single cow tested positive for Mad Cow disease. One cow hasn't caused this much trouble since the impeachment.

San Francisco will hold its annual New Year's Eve street party Wednesday. The locals plan for weeks to devise the kinky leather-and-chains outfits they wear. Homeland Security heard the chatter and raised the threat level to Clockwork Orange.

Lenny Bruce got a posthumous pardon for his obscenity conviction forty years ago in New York. He was a great comic who was way too dirty for his time. Bobby Knight used to listen to his albums like the dog sitting in front of the RCA Victor.

Air France canceled flights to Los Angeles due to fears that al-Qaeda would hijack the planes and crash them into Las Vegas. It can't be true. No one ever thought terrorists would attack a Mafia shrine, if only out of professional courtesy.

Homeland Security put air sensors in Las Vegas to detect signs of biological attack Friday. The suspicions are well- founded. There must be something in the air in Las Vegas because women just don't act like that anywhere else.

Howard Dean blamed President Bush Friday for the Mad Cow disease outbreak. He sees an opportunity. Howard Dean went from Episcopal to Congregationalist over a bicycle path, but if it wins him any animal rights votes he will happily turn Hindu.

The Agriculture Department said Friday it tests any cow that looks sick. Yet the test results don't come back until after the cow has been slaughtered and sold for food. That's like frisking John Wilkes Booth on the way out of the theater.

Bill Clinton's lawyer Bob Barnett told USA Today the former president's memoirs will be released in May. He got a lucrative book deal. Bill Clinton received a $12 million advance minus whatever he has to pay Warner Brothers to title it The Adventures of Don Juan.

Jefferson Davis Middle School in Virginia may be renamed as a formal protest against the Confederate president. Jefferson Davis won the battle of Buena Vista, which brought California into the Union. That explains why everyone's so mad at him.

Howard Dean said Thursday he left the Episcopal church when it refused to donate valuable riverside property for a public bicycle path. The sport is a passion up there. Vermont is the only state where cheating husbands get run over by their wives on a Schwinn.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf survived a second assassination attempt in two weeks on Thursday. Now it's his turn in the barrel. The subject has been changed so many times in the Middle East that Osama bin Laden is now able to buy life insurance.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton