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Jewish World Review Dec. 26, 2003 / 1 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Mad Cow prompted a quarantine of four thousand head of cattle in Washington state on Tuesday. Not everyone grasps the dangers. When Los Angeles heard there was an outbreak of Mad Cow, we just figured Joe Namath tried to kiss Rosie O'Donnell.

Japan canceled orders for U.S. beef one hour after the Agriculture Department announced the outbreak and identified the infected herd. It's been an up and down year for the beef industry. The Atkins Diet giveth and the Mad Cow taketh away.

South Korea was the first nation Tuesday to ban the import of all beef from the United States after the announcement. It's largely symbolic. Nothing would curtail South Korea's meat imports unless there was an outbreak of Mad Dog disease.

Homeland Security raised the terror threat level on Sunday and issued public safety instructions right away. Hollywood knows the drill. Whenever the nation goes to Code Orange, George Hamilton switches immediately to a brighter face bronzer.

California was struck by an earthquake felt from San Francisco to Los Angeles Monday. It gave many people a reason to be grateful. The other forty-nine states might not be the Entertainment Capital of the World but at least they're stationary.

The High Court in Canada on Tuesday ruled marijuana possession illegal. The harmful side effects of pot smoking are well-known. However, it isn't necessary for U.S. politicians to refer to the onset of the munchies as the attacks of 7-Eleven.

President Bush soared in job approval ratings Friday based upon good holiday news. The economy roared back to life and Saddam Hussein was captured. Howard Dean was last seen sitting on Santa's lap asking him for a new issue for Christmas.

President Bush raised conservative eyebrows in America Tuesday as he praised Moammar Khadafi's government in Tripoli and welcomed Libya to the community of nations. There's plenty of room. They can have our seat since we're not using it.

Saddam Hussein learned Tuesday that six hundred lawyers from Jordan have asked to take his case. It could be a disaster. If one ambulance drives by during the trial the stampede from the courtroom will look like the attack scene from Lawrence of Arabia.

New York Governor George Pataki gave Lenny Bruce a posthumous pardon Tuesday for his conviction forty years ago for obscenity onstage. How restrictive was the law back then? The judge tacked on another sixty days when the comic swore he was innocent.

Dennis Kucinich promised Iowans he will create a Department of Peace. Meanwhile, voters learned that Wesley Clark issued an unobeyed order to attack Russian troops in Kosovo and that Howard Dean changed religions over a bicycle path. Maybe Democrats never heard that a Fourth Wise Man was turned away at the manger for bringing fruitcake.

Bobby Knight let out an expletive-laced tirade during an interview Saturday before a Texas Tech game. His temper is legendary. When Bobby Knight began his coaching career forty years ago at Army, three of his players went to Vietnam for some peace and quiet.

Air France canceled four flights from Paris to Los Angeles on Christmas Eve just on the rumor that a terrorist might board the plane. Once again, France has surrendered without a shot being fired. Lufthansa flies to Los Angeles with the doors open.

John Kerry mortgaged his townhouse for six million dollars to stay in the Democratic race Tuesday. His income is one hundred forty-four thousand dollars a year, but his mortgage payments are two hundred thousand dollars a year. He still thinks he's spending our money.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton