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Jewish World Review Dec. 18, 2003 / 23 Kislev, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Unflattering Color, Warns Fab Five's Carson | Carson Kressley, the fashion savant of the hit series "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," today questioned Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge's choice of orange for the current terror alert, calling the color "wildly unflattering."

"I don't know too many men who can pull off orange," Mr. Kressley said. "And if I were a big husky boy like Tom Ridge, I would definitely avoid it like the plague."

By issuing an orange alert, Mr. Kressley argued, Mr. Ridge was putting the nation "at a greater fashion risk than ever before."

"We're all running around worrying about al Qaeda, but that doesn't mean we should have to worry about looking bad, too," Mr. Kressley said.

But even as he attacked Mr. Ridge's choice or orange, Mr. Kressley did not recommend that the government step back down to a yellow alert, pronouncing that color "yucky beyond Thunderdome."

For his part, Mr. Kressley unveiled a new "Queer Eye" terror alert chart, featuring such colors as raspberry sherbet, scarlet and blizzard.

As for the ominous terror signals reported by Secretary Ridge in his press briefing on Sunday, Mr. Kressley attributed the "increased chatter" to the announcement of the Golden Globe nominations a few days earlier.

"I know I was on my cell talking nonstop with my friends the minute Uma stepped up to the podium," Mr. Kressley said. "There's always more chatter around awards time."

In other news, the retailer Victoria's Secret reported today that sales of lingerie items to people who will not look good in them accounted for 100% of its revenue this holiday season.

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Andy Borowitz Archives

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.



© 2003, Andy Borowitz