Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Jerry Jones admitted Monday when he bought the Dallas Cowboys in 1989 he wasn't qualified to buy the team. Under Jerry's ownership they quickly became the most entertaining team of the '90s. The last year the Cowboys won the Super Bowl they had a 12-4 record, 12 arrests and 4 convictions.

• The White House reports that U.S. peace negotiators in Europe are optimistic a deal is close to end the Ukraine war, as Allies are stepping up. King Charles III just announced he will be sending England's two best helicopter pilots to Ukraine to fight on the front. Their names are Harry and Andrew.

• Baron Benjamin Slade, 79, is seeking a wife whom he'll pay $100,000 annually, car and jewelry to give him a male heir. He's a descendant of Charles II. I descend from James II and if you give me a son I will give you my entire collection of Planet of the Apes movies on DVD, plus custody of the child.

• Colombian Navy divers found 450 pounds of cocaine hidden under a ship bound for Europe off Colombia's Pacific coast. The Navy logged in all 200 pounds, then gave it to the police, who transported all 100 pounds back to the police station where the sergeant secured all 10 pounds in the evidence locker.

• The DOJ says it's is planning to release all the names in the Jeffrey Epstein files in 28 days. It'd be a lot more fun if they did it like an Advent calendar and every day we open a window and we get a new pedophile. Then on the last day a projector pops out of the window and runs a Woody Allen movie.

• Forbes reported that Black Friday sales got off to an early start Monday with a record number of shoppers in the malls looking for bargains. It's also a huge shopping week at the U.S. Capitol in Washington. Some congressmen sell for as low as a million dollars plus sales tax and insider trading tips.

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