Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Civil Rights legend Jesse Jackson is reported to be in good condition after being hospitalized over the weekend at Chicago's Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Jesse is diagnosed with a condition called progressive super-nuclear palsy. The cause of the disorder is unknown, but he is blaming racism.

• Kim Kardashian posted an announcement on social media Friday revealing that she flunked the California bar exam after five years of studying for it but vowed she'll pass the exam next time. Back when Kim was in high school, she flunked her driver's test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.

• Dick Van Dyke told an interviewer Monday he still works out at the gym three times every week as the beloved star nears his 100th birthday in December. Hollywood regards it as a freak of nature. As often as Dick tripped over the ottoman and as much as he drank, he's held together unbelievably well.

• The White House floated a Trump Care health plan proposal to replace Affordable Care Act subsidies with direct payment into people's health savings accounts to allow them to buy private plans. The Affordable Care Act just turned 15 years old. One more year and it can drive itself off a cliff.

• Michelle Obama was interviewed Friday and said at age 61 she now feels freer than she's been since she was a kid. Naturally the interviewer asked her if she has any future political ambitions. Michelle declared this country is not ready for a woman president, so I guess that means she's running.

• President Trump urged Congress to release Epstein emails Monday which reveal the pedophile hated Donald Trump. However, Woody Allen recently praised Trump as an excellent movie actor. So the celebrity pedophile vote splits 50-50 on Trump just like the national vote did in the last 3 elections.

• The DOJ launched a probe into Epstein's dealings with Bill Clinton, whom GOP prosecutors targeted for Bill's entire 8 years as president. No word yet from Bill's office in Harlem. Bill Clinton will go down in history as the only white Southerner ever to move to Harlem for his own personal safety.

• The Department of Homeland Security announced it launched a crackdown on the presence of illegal aliens in Charlotte and began rounding them up amid angry protests. It follows the contentious migrant round-ups in Chicago. If I could find a country that refuses to take immigrants, I'd move there.

• Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salmon arrived in Washington Tuesday to meet Trump and discuss signing the Abraham Accords. Trump's pushing the agreement hard. The Abraham Accords seek to unite the Western Civilization's three greatest religions—Regular, Premium and Diesel.

• President Trump spoke to a convention of McDonald's franchisees in Washington to celebrate the restaurant's 70th anniversary Monday. Trump taking a shift as a fry cook helped him get elected in 2024. It so happens that today I ate a Kids Meal at McDonald's and his mom got really angry with me.

• James Carville advised the Democratic party Monday to purge itself of the party's Progressive wing. He wants the Democrats to shed the radicals so that Democrats can run as moderates like Nancy Pelosi. She always keeps a spare case of Old Moderately stored in her garage to make sure she doesn't run out.

• President Trump hosted the head of FIFA and world FIFA officials in the Oval Office Monday to promote the World Cup. During the press briefing, European FIFA officials kept referring to the sport as football. Trump merely said the word soccer and they all faked a knee injury and fell to the floor.

• Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent warned that a horrifying beef parasite from Mexico could drive ground beef prices to skyrocket. The administration is focused on affordability. Last week President Trump met with bankers to discuss the idea of offering Americans 50-year financing for a cheeseburger.

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