Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The NOAA reported a geo-magnetic storm caused by activity on the Sun this week is producing a spectacular and splashy crimson aurora of the Northern Lights in the nighttime sky. The Southern Lights are just as bright as the Northern Lights but they are bright yellow. They spell out Waffle House.

• The International Olympic Committee ruled Tuesday trans-athletes can't compete in women's sports in the 2028 Olympic Games. The tide is turning on the trans-gender movement. Here on the Su

• nset Strip guys in bars have begun spiking women's drinks with Viagra to spot if she's actually a man. O.J. Simpson's estate agreed to auction O.J. memorabilia to pay Fred Goldman's $58 million civil suit award over the murder of Fred's son Ron. The civil suit trial essentially reversed O.J.'s not guilty verdict. Fred Goldman made history in 1995 as the only Jew ever awarded the Heisman Trophy.

• The Pentagon reported Saturday that a U.S. missile strike blew up another speedboat loaded with drugs heading toward L.A. from Colombia, the purpose being to destroy the cocaine that's been contaminated by fentanyl. L.A. just hopes Colombian farmers aren't offended. Nobody's mad at cocaine.

• Fox News Pentagon reporter Jennifer Griffin reported that Trump has deployed one-fourth of all U.S. Navy power in the Caribbean and is threatening a war on Venezuela. It's happening the same week that all the Epstein files may be released. Venezuela is a Spanish phrase meaning, Look—squirrel!

• The Daily Mail reported that the last five pennies ever to be minted by the U.S. Treasury Mint in Philadelphia will be auctioned off to coin collectors. Last week the U.S. penny was completely eliminated. Apparently it had information that would lead to the arrest and conviction of Hillary Clinton.

• The BBC apologized to Trump for editing a news video to make his January 6 speech to make him look like a call for insurrection. We have differing perspectives. In England, the BBC stands for 103 years of high quality broadcasting and in the U.S. the BBC stands for Barbecue Bacon Cheeseburger.

• Democratic Senator John Fetterman posted photos of the 20 stitches on his face after he fell down while walking on the sidewalk last week. This simply can't happen again to him. If Fetterman keeps falling flat on his face, it's only a matter of time before the Democrats nominate him for president.

• Politico says Congress is irreparably divided over health care between Obamacare subsidies and Trump Care payouts. Every day I play a cable news drinking game where I take a drink every time I see Republicans and Democrats working together to solve a problem. I now have 39 years of sobriety.

• Tourism Economics forecast that a million and a half international tourists will travel to the U.S. in June to watch the World Cup Finals matches. Four-time World Cup champion Italy faced elimination in the playoffs Sunday. Italians love soccer because halfway through they get to switch sides.

• Speaker Mike Johnson said the House will vote this week to release Jeffrey Epstein files. Back in 1995, Epstein came to our Saturday late-night show at the Comedy Store and he came backstage afterward. I remember he and his date looked splendid together, him in his tuxedo, her in her prom dress.

• Michelle Obama nixed any idea of her running for president in 2028 in an interview last week, saying Kamala's defeat proves America is not yet ready for a woman president. I disagree. If the Republicans ever learn how to use AI, a hologram of Margaret Thatcher is just the next election cycle away.

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