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• Human Rights Watch is criticizing movie stars this week for attending the Saudi Arabian Film Festival in Riyadh because the films the festival showcases must be edited to conform to strict Saudi laws. Thirty years ago in Riyadh, I watched Thelma and Louise in my hotel room. It was 9 minutes long.
• Senator Chuck Schumer faced the wrath of the Progressives Thursday after Senate Democrats caved in and ended the shutdown. He's up for re-election next year. Chuck Schumer's re-election campaign is going to be sponsored by Netflix, which means he'll be played by a young Hispanic female.
• The California Department of Fish and Wildlife opened hunting season in California with the arrival of November. The voters of California just re-drew the district lines where the animals and birds can be. Last week I shot my first turkey and I can say it scared the hell out of everybody on Aisle 6.
• Closer reports a study about Baby Boomers which found that one-third of Baby Boomers are divorced, widowed or, as in my case, never married. I just learned that those stick-figure decals you see on the rear windows of cars represent family members, NOT registered kills. I'll scrape mine off now.
• Los Angeles hosted a congressional field hearing Thursday after last year's fire in the Pacific Palisades exposed L.A. as woefully unprepared. The reservoirs were empty and the fire hydrants were dry. If the fire hydrants don't have any water, they should stop ticketing me for parking in front of them.
• Newsweek demanded Progressives take over the Democratic Party Thursday, who are a radical coalition of college-educated minorities, disaffected white women, trans and gay activists calling for socialist upheaval. I watched one of their podcasts. It was shot in the basement, just like the Romanoff's.
• President Trump announced he wants to use the trillions in tariff windfall to press Congress to approve a $2,000 check as a tariff dividend to every non-wealthy American. I'm lucky to have always done well financially. In my last year of drinking I made $400,000 on Safeway's Cash for Cans Program.
• President Trump drew laughs entertaining a White House dinner of leading bankers and Wall Street brokerage CEOs Wednesday. He's a genius. Who else but Donald Trump can take all forms of comedy-slapstick, satire, mime, parody and stand-up and turn it into something that will offend everyone.
• President Trump met with bankers Wednesday to discuss offering young homebuyers 50-year mortgages. With 50 years of monthly payments plus interest, you have to pay $1.2 million to the bank for a $400,000 home, or you get evicted. It explains why Bonnie and Clyde remain folk heroes to this day.
• President Trump's onetime social link to Jeffrey Epstein was raised by Democrats by releasing Epstein's emails. The White House said Trump kicked Epstein out of Mar-a-Lago because he was a creepy pedophile. Epstein was the worst blackjack player in Vegas because he kept hitting on 16 and 17.
• The House Administration Committee plans to hold hearings on stock trading by Members in the wake of news about Nancy Pelosi's $130 million profit in trades since coming to Congress in 1986. At her age, Nancy needs a bar inside the shower to maintain her balance. The bartender helps, too.
• Gavin Newsom addressed CNN cameras at the Climate Summit in Brazil and ripped Congress for ending the shutdown. His fecklessness is why he's funny. It didn't occur to Gavin that a million stranded U.S. travelers were forced to watch CNN on airport TV because their flights had been canceled.
• The Daily Mail aired a list of 100 politically correct words the left uses to try to control and direct your thinking. They'll never catch me. The Comedy Store is the one place where I can tell a joke about Democrats without being lectured after it gets a laugh about stolen land, racism and trans-phobia.
• The Weather Channel reports a huge snowstorm swept the Great Lakes, threatening Lake Erie freighter traffic. It's claimed ships before. This week marked the 50th anniversary of the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, which was the inspiration for the worst song ever to be played in a strip club.
• Thanksgiving travel plans in America are reported in jeopardy by lingering air traffic control shortages. Last year I attended Thanksgiving dinner at the Polo Lounge hosted by Democrat friends of mine. I told them that I voted for King Charles and I saved $5,000 in holiday gifts I didn't have to buy.
• Science News is calling for a moratorium on genome editing to stop the creation of gene-edited babies as the technology is now available. Tom Brady just cloned his late beloved pit bull Junie and now enjoys playing with the cloned puppy. Sadly Texas isn't getting the same results with Arch Manning.
• The Seattle Times cites a study showing the rate of psychosis in people increases the closer they are to a cannabis store. Legal weed in 24 states and the District of Columbia had a profound effect on Veterans Day observances. For example, many Americans are just getting around to celebrating it today.
• Denny's restaurant chain was bought for $629 million by a private equity firm Tuesday which plans to close over 100 Denny's in 2026 due to declining sales, but the decline is certainly not due to lack of imagination. This week, Denny's named a new breakfast item after Chuck Schumer. It's toast.
• The House on Wednesday voted to ratify the previous day's Senate vote to re-open the U.S. government after 43 days, the longest shutdown in U.S. history, over Obamacare subsidies. Most Americans say they don't like Obamacare but they love what's in it. It's like the opposite of a McNugget.
• House Democrats vowed to flood 2026 primaries with socialist candidates after the shutdown ended. The U.S. government has evolved like Walter White in Breaking Bad. It started out back in the 1770s as a sympathetic character, but in 240 years it's turned into a narcissistic self-destructive maniac.
• President Trump signed the bill re-opening the government on Wednesday, declaring that the Democrats got nothing. The transition from Tuesday to Wednesday summed up this political era in a nutshell. Democrats declared war on Armistice Day and Trump screwed the Democrats on Hump Day.
• The House Oversight Committee released decades-old Jeffrey Epstein e-mail Wednesday. The predator said Trump knew about the girls and was a dirty businessman and borderline insane. I always thought if Epstein couldn't see a Joe Biden pardon in his future he should just go hang himself.
• FBI Director Kash Patel reached an agreement with China to destroy the Fentanyl precursor chemicals. Mexican cartels cut cocaine with it, creating a fatal mix. It's a cartel plot to kill our country's most talented young comics and hedge fund managers before they can make it to Betty Ford's.
• President Trump threatened to sue the BBC for doctoring video of his January 6th, 2021, speech to made him look insurrectionary. The Director of the BBC responded Tuesday. She stated she denies any institutional bias against Donald Trump by the BBC, despite Orange Hitler's claims to the contrary.
• The National Assessment of Educational Progress reported that math scores in American high schools fell to their lowest level in 20 years in 2024. The subject baffles students in several ways. Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the heck is wrong with you.
• The Alabama Crimson Tide host the Oklahoma Sooners in Tuscaloosa Saturday showcasing a battle between two college football blueblood programs. I grew up in this hallowed environment. To me, college football games are like boobs--big or small they're both great, except when they're lopsided.
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