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Q: My son recently sent me a "no-contact letter" saying that he realized in therapy that he has been depressed since childhood and was angry at me for not recognizing it. I feel guilty and ashamed, but I am also confused. My son had never shown any symptoms of depression, did well socially and academically, and never behaved in ways that suggested he needed help or intervention. I'm tortured wondering what I could've or should've done differently as his mother.
A: It's easy to sympathize with both my patient and her son. With the son for having suffered more than he might have with earlier intervention. With the mother for believing she had failed him and creating a potential end to their relationship.
At the heart of their conflict, however, are assumptions that should be questioned. In my practice that focuses on parent-adult child relationships, I find that today's expectations of parents follow similar lines to those of the contemporary romantic ideal: the soulmate.
In soulmate parenting, a parent is required to be best friend, sensitive listener, cheerleader and - as the case above illustrates - diagnostician. They're tasked not just with identifying any potential problem or liability that might cause their child to be unable to live out their full potential, but also with ensuring they achieve that ultimate goal in an individualistic culture: happiness. Many parents who fail in these tasks may face contempt or estrangement.
Most parents try to give their child the life they never had or the one they hope to pass on, often at enormous cost. Parents are sacrificing time with friends, hobbies, even spouses, not only to give their children a happy life but also to have a close relationship in the future.
Over the past four decades, helicopter parenting (and its cousins, intensive mothering, hothouse parenting and concerted cultivation) has become the norm in the United States and in other countries with high rates of social inequality such as Britain and China.
Yet careful and conscientious parenting can't always insulate a child from the ravages of mental illness, addiction, job loss, divorce, academic failure or any of the other elements that can erode the foundation of a happy or stable life. While faulty parenting and traumas may indeed create problems in adulthood, we are also profoundly shaped by our genes, neighborhood, social class, siblings and luck. We are also strongly shaped by the era in which we were raised.
Consider, for example, recent research by Jean Twenge or Jonathan Haidt, who showed that Gen Z - those born between 1998 and 2012 - are more at risk for depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation and actual suicide than the generations preceding them.
Do we imagine that parents have suddenly become more traumatizing than earlier generations of parents? Hardly. Those raising children over the past four decades have spent far more time with their offspring and are much better informed than parents of almost any other generation.
• What parents can do
Responding to accusations that you failed your child can be especially challenging for those who did a far better job than their own parents or who provided their children with an upbringing enviable by most standards. Nonetheless, empathy for their experience, however at odds it is with yours, is the only pathway to a better relationship.
Given that, here are some recommendations that parents often find helpful:
Embrace the "separate realities" nature of family life. A parent could credibly believe that they did a good job raising their child, and the child could credibly claim that they didn't. Every child has a different perspective of others in the family based on their role, temperament, birth order or differential treatment in comparison with siblings.
For example, a temperamentally sensitive child might have experienced the parent as far more critical or destructive than a child with a more robust temperament. A child with attention-deficit disorder may have experienced the parent as more critical or impatient than a child who required less intervention. Separate realities also mean that you have your own limitations in being able to see the ways that you were hurtful to your child.
Avoid right or wrong perspectives. Seek to understand, and not to prove your child wrong. You can do that by finding the kernel if not the bushel of truth in their complaints. Show interest and empathy in their perspective, not defensiveness.
Accept that the current soulmate culture assigns more blame for parents than may be fair, but there's little you can or should do to counter that in discussions with your adult child if healing the conflict is your goal.
Avoid the use of guilt as an attempt to change their behavior or attitude. The fact that you were a loving and dedicated parent or did a better job than your parents doesn't mean that your child has to accept you more than they do.
• What adult children can do
I've found the following helpful in working with adult children seeking a better relationship with their parents:
Talk about what you like about your parent. If you want to talk about the ways your parents hurt or failed you, without some care and preparation on your part, recognize that they will feel hurt and humiliated.
Given that, make sure you include what you like, value or appreciate about them as people or parents in your discussions, if healing the relationship is your goal. It will help them receive your message with less defensiveness and help you feel less guilty about voicing your complaints.
Describe the behavior that troubles you. Instead of using names or diagnoses to describe them (for instance, narcissist, gaslighter, borderline), describe the behavior that troubles you. This will promote more openness on their part.
Chess Dugas, a therapist in Canada who's estranged from her parents and specializes in this area, emailed this advice for distant or estranged adult children: "If you do believe that your parent has a personality disorder or is engaging in prolonged unhealthy communication with you, get educated on what these look like," Dugas wrote. "You might need extra support to work through previous harms or be firm as to where your boundaries are if you are considering reconnecting. Also, having grace around allowing some less-than-ideal behaviors will open both sides to reconnecting."
Be clear about your positive intentions. Let them know that you're raising the topic of their parenting to improve or deepen the relationship with them, not to shame them.
Examine how your behavior may make it harder for them to be close to you in the ways you desire. For example, while expressing your boundaries may feel like a necessary act of self-care, it can feel rejecting to the person who's on the receiving end. Do so in a way that doesn't sound like a put-down.
Consider family therapy so your parents can learn how to have a productive conversation with you if they seem open to feedback.
For both parents and adult children, it's important not to give up too soon. It takes time to understand the new rules of parent-adult child relationships - to discover communication tools that create closeness - and to use them to resolve conflict.
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(COMMENT, BELOW)
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict." Buy it in hardcover at a 36% discount! by clicking here or order in KINDLE edition at a 46% discount by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR.)
Previously:
• A psychologist explains how a new in-law can tear a family apart
• The heartbreak of parent-child estrangement, and how to cope