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• The Gulf of Mexico yielded up 60 six-pound bales of cocaine that washed up on Galveston Bay beach in Texas, likely from a smuggling mini-sub that sank in the Gulf of Mexico. Offers to help out in the salvage search poured in. One of the most active charities in Hollywood is Cocaine Rescue.
• The Weather Channel reports high winds off the desert were blowing brushfires all over Ventura County north of L.A. Thursday. It was a theme week for some residents. This morning, a Democratic Party consultant woke up and saw the roaring flames outside his window and just assumed he had died.
• KC Chiefs star Travis Kelce drew fire on social media for posting photos of his team's overtime victory Monday on the day after Kamala lost. It's called chivalry. He was running cover for his girlfriend Taylor Swift, who added to her streak of picking the wrong men by endorsing the losing candidate.
• Harvard canceled classes to allow students to process and grieve Kamala's crushing loss, while thousands of Alabama students had a campus party to celebrate Trump's win. Silly me, and I was worried Gen Z might bring the Civil War to an end after 163 years. I have never enjoyed being so wrong.
• Donald Trump closed in on a total of 312 Electoral College votes Thursday, assuming that Trump maintains comfortable leads in Nevada and Arizona. The voters were on the warpath. Harris finished 3rd in Texas behind 6.7 million votes for Donald Trump and 2,000,000 write-in votes for Cowboys Suck.
• The Kamala Harris campaign was reported $20 million in debt after blowing through $1 billion in campaign funds. They paid Hollywood celebrities millions to endorse her and perform at her rallies and now the campaign is deeply in debt. Kamala is now qualified to run Warner Brothers Studio.
• Democrats spent the past week publicly blaming each other for Kamala's loss. Some blamed Obama for pushing a September primary, others blamed Joe for not leaving the race early, while Donna Brazile blamed Pelosi for the coup. They all agree that Kamala blew it, and not for the first time.
• Disney World must decide what to do with Donald Trump in its Hall of Presidents exhibit that lines up presidents in order. They each give little speeches. I think they should have two Trumps in the Hall so they can complement each other on being the best president in the history of the universe.
• The White House was asked by reporters Thursday if the president will pardon his son following his sentencing in federal court in three weeks. A statement was released by the White House press secretary stating that President Biden will NOT give Hunter a pardon. Not without a kickback he won't.
• Governor Gavin Newsom called a special session of the legislature to Trump-proof California to safeguard its climate change, abortion and immigration policies. It's more than that. Newsom wants to build a wall to keep any more Democratic voters from escaping to Texas and becoming Republicans.
• ABC's Women of the View went on the warpath Wednesday in reaction to Donald Trump's win in the election the night before. They warned viewers of coming concentration camps and mass deportations. I find it hilarious that the three angriest women in America are named Whoopi, Sunny and Joy.
• Donald Trump won the election in an Electoral College landslide Tuesday. Trump survived two impeachments, four indictments, two assassination attempts, a criminal conviction, a sexual assault suit and a mug shot in a Georgia jail. He's now up to win the Grammy Award for Oldest Rap Newcomer.
• Politico reported that Democrats in the mainstream media and CNN and MSNBC were stunned and infuriated by Trump's sweeping victory in the election. They have only themselves to blame. Democrats learned the hard way you can only call a guy Hitler for so long before he sweeps an election.
• Fox News called Trump the election winner Tuesday night around 11 o'clock. There was one big difference this election from the last one. I have to admit it was a nice change of pace waking up Wednesday morning and hearing that the same guy won the presidency who'd won the night before.
• Kamala Harris emerged the day after her election defeat and gave a stirring concession speech at Howard University. Kamala did one thing in her speech which clearly indicated that she plans to not only run in 2028 but win the presidency in 2028. She opened with a Puerto Rican joke.
• Kamala Harris refused to give a concession speech after the election was called Tuesday night but she stayed holed up in her hotel suite working on a more purposeful speech the next day. She was clearly stung by the loss to Trump. I haven't seen a man beat a woman this bad since the Olympics.
• Donald Trump walked onstage at one in the morning at West Palm Beach's Convention Center late Tuesday night and claimed victory in the 2024 presidential election. The reaction here in Los Angeles was swift. Within 15 minutes it was reported that Barbra Streisand needs a ride to the airport.
• Donald Trump appeared onstage at the West Palm Beach Convention Center after the race was called late Tuesday night along with his family. It was the biggest comeback in the history of the presidency. Not to mention a feather in the cap for McDonald's Employee Executive Training Program.
• President Biden picked up the phone Wednesday and called Donald Trump to congratulate him on winning and invited Trump to the White House to discuss and arrange a peaceful transition of power. Joe had gone to bed early on Tuesday and when he woke up he had just one question. Did I win?
• Fox News anchor Bret Baier hosted a two-hour panel of Fox News analysts Wednesday to look at the election and pick the winners and losers. I offer one. I believe the biggest winner in Tuesday night's election is Disney World, which now won't have to pay for a new addition to the Hall of Presidents.
• The Atlantic quoted numerous Hollywood celebrities before the election who said if Trump won they'll move to Canada, Australia or New Zealand to escape the racism. It's hilarious. Whenever celebrities threaten to leave the U.S. to escape racism they always want to move to the White Dominions.
• The Wall Street Journal said Trump's win prompted a rally on Wall Street with the Dow Jones average skyrocketing 1,500 points in one day. It gave many Americans newfound confidence. I don't mean to brag, but when I'm at the Taco Bell drive-thru placing my order, I don't even look at the prices.
• The Jerusalem Post reports Donald Trump received a phone call from Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu who brought Trump up to date on Israeli war activities. On Tuesday Qaim Nassem was elected and appointed the new leader of Hezbollah. He shouldn't have bought those green bananas.
• President Biden pointedly declined to attend Kamala Harris's election watch party on Tuesday at a DC hotel. We comedians are going to miss Biden. I remember back during the presidential race in 2020, when Obama advised Joe to move to the center, he started sniffing girls on the small of their backs.
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