Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Donald Trump roared to victory Tuesday from the early election returns onward. I can just see the joy on his face as he signs his first three executive orders. Drilling is to be opened up in Alaska's North Slope, fracking is totally protected in Pennsylvania, and plastic straws are now legal in California.

• Fortune magazine reports that Election Day arrived in the United States Tuesday with a record 82 million votes cast ahead of time. I just got word that my uncle, a lifelong Republican, voted by mail and he voted Democratic for the first time ever. This would've never happened if he were still alive.

• Media Research Center says 98% of the campaign jokes told by the TV late-night talk show hosts are jokes that ridicule Donald Trump and 2% are jokes about Kamala Harris. Onstage at the Comedy Store, I do my best to kid both political parties but I can't make everybody happy. I'm not a taco.

• Donald Trump hosted an election watch party at Mar-a-Lago Tuesday while Kamala was hosting a watch party in Washington. There was a lot of pressure on both of them. If Trump lost he had to go back to his old job at McDonald's and if Kamala lost she'd have to go back to her old job at McDonald's.

• Fox News Democratic analyst and former Congressman Harold Ford urged Americans to accept the verdict and become one nation again. It divided families like no election I've ever seen. My neighbor told me he found out his parents voted for Kamala and he's going to stop visiting their graves.

• Social Media Today reported Tuesday that Facebook would continue to ban political ads beyond Election Day as FB geared up for a long divisive vote count. Last week my sister complained to me that all the time I spend on Facebook is destroying our communication as a family. So I blocked her.

• The New York Post snapped photos of 72-year-old NFL legendary coach Bill Belichick with his beautiful 24-year-old girlfriend Jordan Hudson at an ice cream shop in Boston. They've just been added to the California SAT test. If Bill is 72 and his girlfriend is 24, how much money does Bill have?

• Donald Trump spoke at National Faith Summit of evangelical Christians. They worship in a robust and demonstrative manner unlike MainLine Protestants. A robber could enter our Episcopal Church service waving a gun and he wouldn't be able to get anyone in the sanctuary to raise their arms.

• Kamala Harris hosted a rally at the Ellipse in Washington, D.C., Monday where she excoriated Donald Trump as a divisive fascist. It's there for anyone to see. Just the day before, Trump made news at Madison Square Garden by hosting the most racially diverse and pro-Israel rally in Hitler history.

• Tony Hinchcliffe told a joke at the Trump rally about Puerto Rico being a floating island of garbage and all hell broke loose. He can do better than that. Police cars are being stolen all over New York because Puerto Rican gangs see the Dial 911 bumper sticker on the back and think they're Porsches.

• Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos published an editorial following his refusal to let the paper endorse Kamala Harris. Here comes the punch line. When Bezos vowed that the Post will now be factual and present both sides on their editorial pages, 200,000 Democrats canceled their subscription.

• American Heritage reported the Founders who wrote the Constitution had been Whigs before 1776 who believed in a limited monarchy. Thus the Supreme Court is there to make sure no president can harm the country and Congress is there to make sure that no president can help the country. If we were any more like England, the Dodgers and Yankees would be playing in the World Series of Cricket.

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