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Dear Readers, since I had to file today's column before Election Day, here are jokes from my past Comedy Store monologues about each of the U.S. presidents I've survived since I was eight years old.
• President Kennedy's mistress Judy Campbell Exner wrote a tell-all about their affair. It aligned with Jack's jaunty life motto. It states that some men see a woman sitting alone on a barstool at two o'clock in the morning on Good Friday and ask themselves why? I see the same thing and say why not?
• President Lyndon Johnson told NBC News he sees himself as the peace candidate compared to Barry Goldwater in the 1964 presidential race. Johnson insists that the only U.S. military personnel we have in South Vietnam are advisors. Just yesterday, we dropped 30,000 tons of advice on North Vietnam.
• President Nixon is reported set to resign this week after White House tapes reveal he lied to the American people and obstructed justice. Nixon recently came down with severe case of phlebitis in his leg, which didn't surprise the comedians. You can't screw that many people and not catch something.
• President Ford flew to California and played in a pro-am golf tournament in Palm Springs. Once again he hit a couple of spectators with two different tee shots. Ford doesn't need to remember how many strokes he took at the end of each hole, he just looks back up the fairway and counts the wounded
• President Reagan before his radio address Saturday had no idea he was on the air when he joked over a hot mike that he just signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union and the bombing begins in five minutes. I fainted. Nothing scares me like a 73- year-old man who's willing to die for his country
• President Bush has been in office a month and he's already famous for his malapropos at press briefings. Bush had lunch at a Denny's Friday and he asked the waitress for a quickie, prompting her to slap him and storm off. A Secret Service agent whispered to Bush, Mr. President, it's pronounced quiche.
• President Carter told the nation we've just turned the corner on inflation and we've just turned the corner on unemployment and we've just turned the corner on the recession and we've just turned the corner on the hostage negotiations. We just turned four corners. We're right back where we started.
• President Clinton, after eight years of being hounded by Republicans over fundraising, old real estate deals and adultery, rented a post-presidential office in Harlem. He's escaped again. Bill Clinton will go down in history as the only white Southerner ever to move to Harlem for his own personal safety.
• President Bush's invasion of Iraq had U.S. troops entering Saddam Hussein's palace Friday. In Saddam's bedroom, we found a sunken bar, a lamp shaped like a naked woman, 12 cases of Johnny Walker's and condoms that glow in the dark. We just spent a trillion dollars to overthrow Dean Martin.
• President Obama relaxed after an L.A. fundraiser at the Skybar on Sunset across from the Comedy Store Friday. I saw him on the balcony, and I walked up and asked him, Mr. President do you see any racism in America, even in this day and age? He looked at me and said I'm Denzel Washington!
• Donald Trump upset Hillary Clinton Tuesday in a bitter contest that left voters exhausted. A few nights ago, I was jogging in Beverly Hills and a guy jumped out from behind the bushes, pointed a gun at the back of my head and said are you voting for Trump or for Hillary? I said just pull the trigger!
• President Biden's job approval is inching up after a year in office and it's no secret why. This month he's shot down 3 Chinese balloons—one more and he gets his pick of any stuffed animal along the top shelf. This morning he shot down a Mexican spy balloon and now there's candy all over El Paso.
• The Los Angeles Dodgers enjoyed a huge parade for winning the World Series Friday along with a sold-out stadium salute. As for any celebrations honoring the hapless Yankees, centerfielder Aaron Judge will officiate at New York's Times Square New Year's Eve event. He'll be on hand to drop the ball.
• Los Angeles Police battled a riot on the streets of L.A. Wednesday night after the Dodgers won the World Series. Buses were burned and athletic stores were looted all night. Los Angeles was so dangerous by the time the weekend arrived that Erik and Lyle Menendez demanded to remain in prison.
• The Betty Ford Center will be holding its 42nd birthday Saturday, where I got sober November 3rd, 1986. When I first arrived in L.A. in 1976, I found myself a straight, white, Anglo-Saxon, Southern Protestant guy in West Hollywood. I started drinking alcoholically so I'd have a group I where belonged.
• Media Research Center says 98% of the political jokes on late-night talk shows are about Trump and only 2% about Kamala. I try out my jokes for the stage on social media, so whenever I type out a political joke, I often look at it and say to myself, that's not funny, that's just mean. Then I press Send.
• Kamala Harris threw the kitchen sink at Trump in the final days of the 2024 campaign over the weekend. No stone was left unturned. In the days leading up to Tuesday, hundreds of DNC interns combed through 1930s German government documents to find out where Hitler joked about Puerto Rico.
• Joe Biden wasn't asked to campaign for Kamala Friday but he went to Philly anyway and zoned out onstage. The day before, he chewed on a baby's leg. The rest of the weekend, the Democrats gave Joe an iPad that runs the Cartoon Channel and a goldfish to keep him occupied through Election Day.
• Politico reports that Elon Musk emerged this election as a powerful and persuasive campaigner in speeches for Trump in the Swing States this past month. Elon was born in Africa but he is now an American citizen. Republicans are scrambling to hide his birth certificate and making plans for 2028.
• Donald Trump took on the war hawks saying Liz Cheney will never have to face guns pointed at her face like the U.S. soldiers they send into war must do. There are other ways for war hawks to face getting shot. He could have made the same point by suggesting that Liz Cheney go hunting with her dad.
• President Biden has reportedly begun raising money for the Joe Biden Presidential Library at the University of Delaware. He's already approved the structural plans. According to the architectural blueprint, the library is four stories high, and in Joe's honor the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
• Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had a freak accident at Levi Stadium before the Cowboys loss in SF Sunday. A steel barricade in the parking lot rose up from the ground as he was driving in and totaled his car. Doritos just honored the Dallas Cowboys with a newly-flavored chip called Nacho Year.
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