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Jewish World Review Nov. 23, 2004 / 10 Kislev, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports


Human detectors to be installed in arenas | National Basketball Association commissioner David Stern's take-no-prisoners policy toward violence in the sport took another leap forward today as Mr. Stern announced that the league was instituting a total ban on fans in all NBA arenas.

The fan ban, seen by many in the league as an unnecessarily draconian measure, was the NBA's "only option" for restoring order to the sport, Mr. Stern said today.

"After reviewing the tapes of the recent Indiana Pacers-Detroit Pistons brawl, I found myself faced with a series of tough choices, including banning plastic cups, ice cubes, and beverages," Mr. Stern said. "In the final analysis, though, I came to the conclusion that the only way we're going to turn this thing around is by banning the fans themselves."

As the NBA begins to implement its new zero-tolerance policy towards fans, so-called "human detectors" will be placed in every NBA arena to prevent any concealed fans from somehow being sneaked into the building.

"It is currently NBA policy to prevent metal objects from being carried into the arena, and yet, based on what I saw last Friday, no metal was involved in that fight," Mr. Stern said. "We should stop blaming metal and start pinning the blame where it belongs: on the fans."

While Mr. Stern said he had no plans to emulate the NHL, which is currently locking out both players and fans, he said he is taking no options off the table: "At the end of the day, I will ban myself if necessary."

Elsewhere, in NBA action last night the L.A. Lakers beat the Chicago Bulls with a technical knockout in the seventh round.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz