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Jewish World Review Nov. 2, 2004 / 18 Mar-Cheshvan, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Florida to decide election by show of hands

State loses instruction manual for electronic voting machines | Attempting to head off the kind of voting irregularities that threw the 2000 election into chaos, Florida voting officials announced today that the state's presidential contest would be determined by a "show of hands."

In a statewide address broadcast on live television this morning, Florida Secretary of State Glenda Hood instructed all Florida voters to start heading for a vacant trailer park on the outskirts of Tampa where the official show of hands will take place.

While acknowledging that a show of hands was an unorthodox way for Florida to determine who will receive the state's twenty-seven electoral votes, Ms. Hood said the move became necessary after it was discovered late last week that the state had lost the instruction manual for its controversial Diebold electronic voting machines.

An early test of the machines last Wednesday set off alarms among voting officials when the electronic tally showed conservative commentator Pat Buchanan winning the state with 87% of the vote, despite not appearing on the ballot.

"After searching for the instruction manual, we moved on to Plan B, which was to operate the voting machines with a hand-crank," Secretary of State Hood said. "But then nobody could find the crank."

Elsewhere, Osama bin Laden lashed out at American broadcast networks for failing to air the final sentence of his tape last Friday, which was: "I'm Osama bin Laden, and I approve this message."

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz