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Jewish World Review Nov. 30, 2004 / 17 Kislev, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Iran seeks permission to make teeny tiny nuclear weapons

Latest snag in European nuke talks | Iran threw a monkey wrench into the ongoing negotiations over its nuclear program today, asking the European Union for permission to manufacture what it called "teeny tiny nuclear weapons."

While Europe has consistently demanded that Iran put a total halt to its nuclear ambitions, Iran said that the nuclear weapons it is now seeking to produce "are so itty-bitty you will barely know they are there."

In a press conference in Tehran, Government spokesman Abdollah Ramezanzadeh held in the palm of his hand what appeared to be a tiny nuclear missile the approximate size of a Bic lighter to demonstrate the type of nuclear weapons Iran seeks to stockpile.

Playing down the potential threat of such an arsenal, Mr. Ramezanzadeh said that the miniscule nukes would have a range of two to three feet and would only be capable of sinking a tiny nuclear submarine in a bathtub.

While France, Germany and Great Britain seemed inclined to permit Iran to manufacture a nuclear arsenal comprised solely of itty-bitty nukes, the proposal drew strong objections from the teensy-weensy nations in the European Union, such as Luxembourg and Malta, who see Iran's tiny nukes as a threat to their security.

"If Iran insists on manufacturing itty-bitty nuclear weapons, Luxembourg will have no choice but to shoot them out of the sky with teeny tiny antiballistic weapons of our own," sternly warned Luxembourg Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker.

Elsewhere, the birth of Julia Roberts' twins, Phinnaeus and Hazel, brought renewed calls for a law preventing celebrities from naming their own children.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz