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Jewish World Review Nov. 28, 2003 / 3 Kislev, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Michael Jackson received a December hearing date on the charges against him for lewd conduct with a minor. Everyone will be watching this case closely. You never really know what might be declared a fundamental human right in Massachusetts.

Attorney Mark Geragos told a press conference Tuesday he will nail anybody who slams Michael Jackson. He angrily declared that his client is not a pinata. If candy came out of Michael Jackson every time you hit him he wouldn't need Neverland.

Michael Jackson announced Monday he has set up a web site to explain his side of the story. His money troubles will not interfere with his defense. Under the law in California, if you do not have a publicist the court will appoint one for you.

The U.S. Senate debated legislation all weekend, including a highly rare Sunday session in the Capitol. Working on a Sunday raised questions for some senators. For Senator Ted Kennedy the question was, what's one more commandment at this point? Democrats ripped the Medicare prescription drug coverage bill in the Senate. It has no price controls. Prescription drugs are about to become so profitable Colombian drug lords might figure out a way to grow arthritis medicine in the Andes.

The Democratic candidates debated in Iowa Monday. There was no clear winner. They all had the same message, that America is a good country, that America is a powerful country, that America is a compassionate country, and it's time for a change.

Glen Campbell was arrested in Phoenix Monday for drunken driving and leaving the scene and assault on a cop. What a show. In one night, a quart of bourbon, a Pontiac, and a desk sergeant were added to the list of Glen Campbell's greatest hits.

Glen Campbell entertained the other guys in the drunk tank Monday night with a few of his favorite songs. Now we know he's an authentic country singer. The only question remaining is whether his political party is Toby Keith or Dixie Chicks.

Howard Dean was the center of attention at the Democratic presidential debate in Iowa Monday. All of the other candidates attacked his previous statements and accused him of flip-flopping. They never let poor Howard play in any reindeer games.

The London Sun said taxpayers will pay millions for last Thursday's street demonstration where George Bush's statue was pulled down to protest the Iraq war. Times are so much more serious now. Just a few years ago Ireland built a statue of Bill Clinton in the town of Limerick in honor of all the dirty poems he inspired.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton