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Jewish World Review Nov. 14, 2003 / 19 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Jay Leno to host nation's first primary

New Hampshire 'furious' | The political playing field tilted dramatically today when late-night talk show host Jay Leno announced that the first primary in the nation would be held not in New Hampshire but instead on the Burbank set of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."

"Over the past few years, our influence over the political process has grown bigger than Anna Nicole Smith!" said Mr. Leno, accompanied by a punctuating musical "sting" from his bandleader, Kevin Eubanks.

Mr. Leno then added, "You know what I mean?!," accompanied by another musical "sting" from Mr. Eubanks.

But the decision to host the nation's first primary in Burbank did not sit well with Governor Craig Benson of New Hampshire, who told reporters he was "furious" at Mr. Leno.

"Two can play at this game," Gov. Benson warned. "If Jay Leno wants to host the first primary, then New Hampshire will start stealing his guests."

True to his word, Gov. Benson later announced that New Hampshire's guests next week would be "George Clooney, 'Elf' star Will Ferrell, and the fabulous Britney Spears."

Most Democratic hopefuls are expected to participate in the Burbank primary, which Mr. Leno said would consist of "a series of motorcycle and motocross events" to determine which candidate was most qualified to be President.

But Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) said he would sit out the Burbank contest, preferring to draw attention to his dark-horse campaign by fasting for forty-four days inside a Plexiglas box.

Mr. Kucinch also announced that his campaign would pass up any Federal matching funds, citing what he termed "a near-total absence of any funds to match."

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Andy Borowitz Archives

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.



© 2003, Andy Borowitz