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Jewish World Review Nov. 11, 2003 / 16 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry taps hairstylist to lead campaign

Plans to reinvent campaign from hair down | With his campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination flagging, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) today fired his campaign manager and promoted his hairstylist, Dominique, to the top campaign post.

While some Democratic observers were stunned that Sen. Kerry would replace a skilled campaign advisor with someone who has primarily hair experience, others called his decision the first truly shrewd move of a stumbling campaign.

"Basically, Kerry and his people looked at each other and said, 'Hey, the only part of this candidacy that's working so far is the hair,'" one insider said.

"His hair is Kennedyesque -- the rest of him, not so much," another insider said. "What we need to do is reinvent this campaign from the hair down."

Yet another close advisor to Mr. Kerry echoed those sentiments, adding, "John has had a lot of bad days on the campaign trail, but not a single bad hair day."

Focus groups conducted over the weekend gave a vehement thumbs-down to the Senator's flip-flopping on Iraq and his bashing of rival Howard Dean, but a big thumbs-up to the Senator's prodigious mop of lush silver hair.

Mr. Kerry's new campaign manager, Dominique, who goes merely by the name Dominique, said that there would be no immediate changes in the Kerry campaign, but suggested that in the weeks ahead voters might be seeing "a slightly more feathered John Kerry."

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Andy Borowitz Archives

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.



© 2003, Andy Borowitz