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Jewish World Review Nov. 3, 2003 / 8 Mar-Cheshvan, 5764

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Consumer Reports

Kerry blames Dean for improving economy

Latest bid to dethrone frontrunner | In a scorching attack on the frontrunner in the Democratic race for President, Senator John Kerry (D-MA) attacked former Vermont Governor Howard Dean today for the economy's surprisingly strong showing in the last quarter.

"Only one man can be blamed for the economy's 7.2% growth," Sen. Kerry said in a campaign stop in Davenport, Iowa. "And that man's name is Howard Dean."

Senator Richard Gephardt (D-MO), while stopping short of blaming the improving economy on Mr. Dean, told supporters in Manchester, New Hampshire that the former Governor "must be held accountable" for the stronger economic numbers.

"Howard Dean, you can run, but you cannot hide," Congressman Gephardt said.

Political insiders, who wondered how the Democratic field would respond to the surprising news of the economy's rebound, were somewhat taken aback that Messrs. Kerry and Gephardt would use the news as yet another opportunity to attack Mr. Dean.

But the free-for-all reached a low point on Friday during a pheasant-hunting expedition by Sen. Kerry in Iowa, during which the Massachusetts Senator shot Governor Dean in the ass.

While apologizing for shooting the Democratic frontrunner, Sen. Kerry would not let up in his verbal attacks on Mr. Dean.

"Howard Dean can complain about being shot in the ass all he wants, but that does not change the basic fact that the economy has improved dramatically on his watch," Sen. Kerry told a crowd of cheering supporters.

In other news, the world's oldest person, Kamato Hongo, 116, died on Friday, leaving behind a note saying that the Democratic race had sapped her of the will to live.

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Andy Borowitz Archives

JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2003, Andy Borowitz