Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President Trump brokered a peace between Cambodia and Thailand while he was in Malaysia on Sunday. Cambodia's leader nominated Trump for next year's Nobel Peace Prize. If we'd known that Donald Trump could stop a war in Southeast Asia, we'd have sent him there when he was 18 years old.

• The Washington Post says federal unions are pressuring Democrats to end the shutdown. Air traffic is experiencing control tower delays and the risk is far worse. Last night on my way to perform at the Comedy Store, I put my phone on Airplane Mode and I crashed my car into the side of the Improv.

• The Sunshine Protection Law is a bill awaiting House approval to nationalize Daylight Savings Time which starts this weekend. In reality, setting your clock an hour late Saturday night does not give you one extra hour of sleep. Bernie Sanders takes that hour and gives it to someone more deserving.

• NBA Commissioner Adam Silver was cited Friday for setting a tolerant tone toward gambling by partnering the league with online gambling sites. Betting is the new pandemic. It's reported that last year Americans spent $147 billion gambling on games of chance, 3rd behind weddings and elections.

• CBS News warned viewers Wednesday that health care premium costs could very well double in the next few years. My fitness regimen is no guarantor of health. In case I get hit by a car while I'm out jogging at night, I wear a Medic Alert bracelet that reads Delete my Browser and Destroy my Phone

• Medical News published a study advising people to drink 6-to 8 glasses of water a day to lubricate joints, maintain blood pressure, aid in weight loss, and improve digestion. It's best to start young, I guess. Back when I was in college, I would occasionally drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver.

• Congressman Eric Swalwell demanded that all 2028 presidential candidates promise to destroy Trump's ballroom. Look, the fear that White House renovation signals Trump's effort to stay in office beyond his second term is ridiculous. He is clearly preparing to flip the property like we all would.

• President Trump flew to Tokyo and met with the Emperor of Japan on Monday then discussed military security with Japan's new first-ever female Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi. But personally I'm worried it might be dangerous to have a female Japanese prime minister. Have you seen them drive?

• Joe Biden declared that these are dark days in a speech he gave to a Teddy Kennedy foundation dinner in Boston Sunday. Joe didn't wander off the Teleprompter. When Biden starts ad-libbing you wonder if Joe's having a stroke, whenever Trump starts ad-libbing, you wonder if you're having a stroke.

• The New York Post says overseas correspondents report back that American tourists in Europe lately are passing themselves off as Canadians in restaurants and bars to keep from being assaulted. It doesn't work in the sports bars. We're the ones who shout touchdown!! when Manchester United scores a goal.

• The Department of the Interior by presidential order restored a statue of Confederate General Albert Pike in Washington, D.C. He commanded Rebel forces in Arkansas and Oklahoma. When I was a kid our movie theaters wouldn't show the Red Badge of Courage till it was re-titled Damn Yankees.

• New York Mayor candidate Zohran Mamdani spoke onstage with fellow socialists Bernie and AOC before a rally of 13,000 in Queens Sunday. Believe me, this is not a crowd that's known in my business for their sense of humor. Jokes about socialism aren't funny unless everybody gets them.

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