Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• White House construction crews demolished the East Wing to build the presidential ballroom last week. I guess dancing on the ballroom floor will be limited to waltzes, fox trots, the jitterbug and The Twist. At the rate Trump is deporting Latinos, there will be no one left to Cha-Cha, Mambo or Salsa.

• Operation Royal Flush rocked the NBA as the FBI busted a gambling ring involving the Mafia and NBA players. They conspired together to cheat rich, gullible players in poker. I never won a hand at Las Vegas poker tables but I looked so cool wearing those reflector sunglasses the other players gave me.

• ESPN's First Take host Stephen A. Smith tried to blame Trump for targeting pro sports for the rapidly spreading gambling scandal. In addition to the poker scam, the FBI busted a ring of pro athletes and coaches for rigging sport prospect bets. Or, as Shohei Ohtani calls it, Inside Baseball.

• Charles Barkley reminded NBA TV viewers that gambling is an illness and players are not immune. There's a notice above every casino ATM that reads Gambling Problem? Dial 1-800 Gambler if You Have a Gambling Problem. I called it up and said, I have an Ace and a 6, what do I do?

• President Trump startled his press conference audience by disclosing that a donor who wishes to remain anonymous just gave him a check for $130 million to help pay the military during this shutdown. Trump refused to reveal who it was. I'll take famous Elons for 130 million, Alex.

• The Washington Post says Senate Democrats face pressure from their voting base to settle the government shutdown as food stamp money will run out on November 1st. The deadline doesn't just affect poor people. Construction lumber is so expensive in Los Angeles I saw a termite with an EBT card.

• The Coast Guard reported a 100,000 pound cocaine bust Thursday. The DEA took all 80,000 pounds, handed it over to L.A. Sheriffs who logged in all 40,000 pounds then stored all 1,000 pounds in the evidence locker. The arrested boat captain was released for possessing only user amounts of cocaine.

• The Wall Street Journal published a grim poll last week which shows that a large majority of the country now believes the deep and growing divide between Americans is beyond repair. My girlfriend and I are plotting each other's assassination over our political differences. We're both Democrats.

• Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum announced the Trump administration is opening up Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in the North Slope to oil and gas drilling. It's located way up there. That's where detectives ask criminal suspects, where were you on the night from October to April?

• President Trump hosted Australia's prime minister this week and they reached a trade deal for the US to acquire rare earth minerals from the Australians. The rare earth minerals include titanium, which keeps US missiles hard during flight. I once tried it in pill form and I ended up with a wrist injury.

• Illinois Governor JB Pritzker told Fox News Chicago's murder rate is down. In Chicago there are fewer people left alive to be murdered. Last night at the Comedy Store, the great Chicago comedian John Caponera told me he was homesick for Chicago, so I shot him.

• A John Hancock Life Insurance study found most Americans are under-prepared financially to afford the longer life spans for which people strive. I guess the only logical solution is to agree to die sooner. That's best done by producing evidence that could lead to the prosecution of Hillary Clinton.

• The Washington Post reports Anglican Church Archbishop of North America Steven Wood has been accused of sex misconduct by a woman staffer in his previous church. It's grounds for dismissal. He may owe his career advancement in the Episcopal Church to hiding his attraction to the opposite sex.

• The World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and Toronto Blue Jays gets underway tonight at the Rogers Center Stadium in Toronto. President Trump has assured baseball fans that he will be tuned in to the games. It's widely known that the only sports channel Trump watches is ESPN Deportes

• Maine Democratic US Senate candidate Graham Platner was discovered on Tuesday to have an 18-year-old tattoo on his chest of the Nazi SS Death's Head symbol worn by the Gestapo. At the very worst this is awful. At best the Democrats could really use a law-and-order guy in the Senate for balance.

• Tropical Storm Melissa neared Jamaica at Category 3 Wednesday, on track to be a hurricane by Friday and prompting a response from the White House. Trump just notified Rand McNally map makers he has re-named the Gulf of America. It'll now be known as the Gulf of Exploding Cartel Boats.

• The Pentagon aired video of a missile obliterating a 9th cocaine boat off Colombia's Pacific coast heading toward So Cal. L.A. received the sad news via email. Hollywood is the only town where USPS tracking pops up in your in-box to report that Your Package has been Destroyed by the US Navy.

• The Daily Mail reports that a 51-year-old man in Bangkok was arrested for performing penis enlargement surgery in the back seat of a Toyota Corolla. The doctor advertised showing a TikTok video of the funeral of the only patient who died following the procedure. They couldn't close the casket.

• President Trump wandered off Teleprompter at a Rose Garden event Tuesday and compared himself quite favorably as president to Lincoln and Washington. It's arguable. Well, Abe Lincoln did start a civil war by imposing sky-high tariffs and George Washington never told a lie, so Trump is 1-for-2

• New York protestors got violent when ICE arrested 9 illegal alien street vendors in Chinatown on Tuesday. I recommend Trump add the word National to the title of the Immigration & Customs Enforcement department so people can say that NICE agent arrested and deported them. Problem solved.

• Hillary Clinton blasted President Trump's remodeling the East Wing of the White House into a ballroom. The Clintons bring back fond memories. Hillary Clinton had to return china and furniture she took from the White House and as for Bill, at least Trump hired professionals to stain the hard wood.

• Governor Gavin Newsom in a podcast Tuesday took credit for new statistics which show that the crime rate is down in California. How can the crime rate NOT be down in California when nothing's against the law in California? The speed limit in Los Angeles depends on what song is playing.

• President Trump hosted the Hindu Festival of Lights celebration called Diwali in the White House Monday joined by prominent Indo-American business leaders. South Asians are generating tremendous wealth in the US. It turns out Christopher Columbus missed landing in India by 530 years.

• The White House said Monday the peace talks next week in Hungary between President Trump and Vladimir Putin have been cancelled. Zelensky reportedly threw a fit when Trump wouldn't give him the Tomahawk missiles. He's so annoying I'm surprised it took Putin as long as it did to invade him.

• Robert DeNiro was on CNN Sunday and called Jewish Trump aide Stephen Miller a Nazi. The left is way too loose about Nazism lately. Anne Frank is re-imagined in a new Broadway musical as a pan-sexual Latina with a non-binary lover, as if Anne needed another three reasons to hide in the attic.

• The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled a transgender athlete must be allowed to compete with women in the state's women's power-lifting competitions. There's even more. In addition to the Minnesota court ruling, I just heard about a transgender beauty pageant where everybody was a wiener.

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