Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Save College Sports is running ads warning that women's colleges' sports funding is threatened by the salaries of football coaches and star players. Penn State just fired their head football coach James Franklin and agreed to pay him a $50 million buyout. Only Congress gets paid more not to work.

• Portland hosted hundreds of out-of shape protestors riding bicycles totally naked in protest of the presence of ICE agents rounding up illegal migrants. Every cable news viewer who saw the video of their protest learned a very important lesson. Never buy a used bicycle in Portland.

• The Las Vegas Sun reported that a 40-year-old man has been blacklisted from all casinos in Vegas after he verbally abused his blackjack dealer during a heated dispute and called the dealer the N-word 50 times. I just hope all the bigots in this country got the message loud and clear. The limit is 49.

• The New York Post reports Alec Baldwin crashed his Range Rover into a tree on Long Island Monday while he was driving along the East Long Island Expressway. The tree may not survive the collision. When the Highway Patrol arrived, Alec insisted out of habit he didn't know the car was loaded.

• New York City's annual Columbus Day parade had to be canceled due to dangerous heavy winds and approaching rainstorms. Christopher Columbus landed in the Bahamas in 1492 thinking he was in India. To add to his total confusion his map said he was entering the Gulf of America.

• President Trump got a hero's welcome from Israel's parliament after he brokered the Middle East peace deal which ended the war between Israel and Hamas and obtained the release of 20 Israeli hostages. It's not enough for his critics. Detractors agree he's GOT to be the worst Hitler ever.

• President Trump was in Egypt to sign a peace deal to end the Israeli-Hamas war and free the hostages. To ensure cooperation from Arab leaders, Trump speaks softly and carries a laser guided drone missile. Under Trump, ISIS continues to spread across the Middle East, like a fine red mist.

• Jerusalem rocked with unbridled joy after U.S. negotiators got 20 hostages released from Hamas in exchange for the release of 2,000 Hamas fighters. That's what I love about the United States government. We can't even effect a hostage swap without running up a one million percent deficit.

• Bill Clinton congratulated Trump for getting a Hamas-Israel ceasefire after three days after Hillary praised Trump's Mideast deal. I think it's because many of the Mideast leaders are prospective Clinton Foundation donors. The Clintons prove you're never too old or too famous to still need money.

• President Trump said he may ship long-range Tomahawk missiles to Ukraine that could reach deep into Russia, which Russia's defense minister warned may lead to a nuclear war. Putin insisted Friday he wants to save Ukraine. Ukraine's president is a stand-up comedian, but he can't be THAT bad.

• The Washington Post was first to repor that Ukraine President Zelensky is flying to Washington, DC to meet with Trump. He runs quite a racket. My accountant went over my estimated taxes for the 3rd quarter Friday and I owe Ukraine $4,000 or face an underpayment penalty.

• Franklin and Marshall College replaced their Benjamin Franklin mascot, claiming he held racist views. This too shall pass. When the kids graduate and stop buying recreational drugs that require $20 bills and switch to recreational drugs that require $100 bills, they'll be Ben Franklin's biggest fans.

• US Navy reconnaissance planes with high-sensory radar were spotted over the Caribbean hunting for drug boats. They've destroyed 4 drug boats in 3 months are looking for more. Next time you don't think cocaine is addictive, blow a drug boat to smithereens and let's see if you can stop at just one boat.

• The Cotton Bowl hosted one of football's most storied rivalries between the Texas Longhorns and the Oklahoma Sooners. Texas outscored the Sooners 23-6. However the Nobel Prize Committee awarded the victory to Oklahoma because it appeared that Texas was trying to win the game.

• The Nobel Committee shunned President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize. Deep down I think many Americans regard this award as somewhat of a white feather. President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 and then he bombed seven Middle East countries just to prove he wasn't gay.

• Hillary Clinton shocked political pundits by congratulating President Trump and praising his efforts to broker an end to the Israel-Gaza war. It gave Trump hope he can still win a Nobel Prize. Trump now hopes to win the Nobel Prize for Medicine for curing Trump Derangement Syndrome.

• President Trump flew to Israel for the signing of the peace deal between Israel and Hamas. It drew bipartisan praise. Hillary Clinton congratulated Trump for brokering the peace agreement, while former President Biden issued a public declaration calling for Hummus to be replaced by ketchup.

• President Trump noted Friday Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing, since the vote was taken 11 days after his inauguration. I can now see the point. The world was trying to tell us if any US president will PLEASE just do nothing, they'll give him the Nobel Peace Prize.

• Tel Aviv citizens turned out in huge numbers to greet President Trump on his arrival to sign the Israel-Hamas peace agreement. Hold the phone. Right after the ceremony a DC federal judge blocked Trump's peace deal and ruled that Hamas and the Israelis must resume killing each other.

• Egypt hosted a Mideast peace summit at the coastal port of Sharm-el Sheikn that included Persian Gulf nation Emirs, Saudi princes and Turkey's strongman to finalize the recent peace agreement. Well, it was certainly no human rights forum. Dave Chappelle and Louis CK opened the show.

• President Trump had a physical check-up at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington. The doctor said Trump is in great health and his cardiac age is 14 years younger than his chronological age of 79. The FDA just gave up and re-classified Big Macs, Fries and Diet Cokes as Nature's Goodness.

• The Persian Gulf emirate of Qatar was granted an air force training base in Idaho by the Trump administration. They criminalize extramarital sex, grant women very few rights and they imprison gay people. It appears that Idaho was the best we could do to make the Qatari's feel at home.

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