Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Men's Health published a fitness routine that includes diet, exercise, strength training and balance work to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Personally I've found one way to stay slim is to practice food portion control. Last week I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's and his mother really got upset about it.

• The National Football League this year is requiring teams to wear special game-day uniforms when teams play this division rivals. The oldest rivalry is the Bears vs. the Packers. The difference between Chicago and Green Bay is that in Chicago, Moosehead is a beer and in Green Bay, it's a felony.

• The Chicago Marathon was this weekend, attracting 53,000 runners to Chicago to join the race from 130 foreign countries. I try not to over-exercise, but the adrenaline rush is addictive. I injured myself during an Iron Man marathon the other day when I got up too fast after watching the third film.

• Fox News topped MSNBC and CNN combined in 3rd quarter ratings released Friday. I enjoy how news channels try to out-crazy each other to attract viewers. I just heard California governor candidate Katie Porter is going to be on Anderson Cooper, and I've got $10 on the reverse cowgirl position.

• California governor frontrunner Katie Porter flipped out during a CBS interview when asked a follow-up question. She then was seen screaming at an aide during a video post to stay out of her camera shot. Refusing to be upstaged, Bobby Kennedy announced that circumcision leads to vaginal discomfort.

• Secretary of State Marco Rubio praised President Trump in the cabinet meeting Thursday for his peace-making efforts to end the Gaza War. Benjamin Netanyahu nominated President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize Friday. Not for ending the war but for getting Rosie O'Donnell to self-deport.

• President Trump will fly to Israel this week to address Israel's Parliament and the released hostages and families in Tel Aviv's Hostage Square. Now in its 10th year, America's favorite reality series never gets old. In today's episode of Get Trump, Hitler ends an 8th war in his 8th month in office.

• President Trump drew worldwide acclamation Thursday after brokering a peace agreement to end the conflict between Israel and Hamas. Trump was able to bring together Hamas, the Arab countries, Turkey and Israel in a peace deal. Next Trump is going to end this Roadrunner/Coyote thing.

• Joe Biden landed a speaking gig in Nebraska next month for the state Democratic Party's top annual fundraising dinner held in Omaha. I really hope Joe's accompanied on and off the plane and the stage by his spotter. Joe Biden has fallen down the stairs so many times he now identifies as a Slinky.

• The Los Angeles Times reported that a 29-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of starting the Pacific Palisades fire that ravaged Palisades and Malibu. His arrest marked yet another setback for California Democrats. If convicted he faces life in state prison for not identifying as Climate Change.

• Petco posted an article that advises pet owners to always keep a companion animal around the house so your pet doesn't get lonely while home alone. Of course it doesn't work out for everyone. So far I have bought 3 cats, 2 dogs, 2 rabbits and a guinea pig, and all my python wants to do is eat them.

• The White House Thursday anxiously awaited results of the vote in Stockholm for the Nobel Peace Prize. That same day, Hungarian author Laszlo Krasznahorkai was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. It capped a big year for Laszlo, he was also the winning word in the National Spelling Bee.

• Columbus Day celebrants ignored the government shutdown as Italian Americans had parades in New York and San Francisco. The banks were open, the stock market hit a new high and peace broke out in the Mideast. It's the latest proof that a government shutdown could be the solution to all our problems.

• President Trump announced Hamas and Israel agreed to the first step of the Trump 20-Point Peace Plan Wednesday. Trump created a blueprint for a lasting Mideast peace for the 1st time in 75 years. Today, the mail-in votes arrived in Stockholm and the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize goes to Joe Biden.

• Secretary of State Marco Rubio interrupted President Trump on live TV while he was hosting a summit on Antifa violence Wednesday to bring him the history-making news. It was mostly good. Trump's peace proposals had been accepted by Hamas and Israel and rejected by the Mayor of Portland.

• Sonoma County in California became the first county this year to order Covid mask mandates for entry to any health facility due to the latest strain of Covid. America won the war with Covid back in 2020 the same way we won the Vietnam War. It got too expensive so we just declared it was over.

• ABC will air the Red River Rivalry game Saturday between the Oklahoma Sooners and Texas Longhorns at the Cotton Bowl. How deep does this rivalry go? All I will say is that when I die, please scatter my ashes over the Cotton Bowl, so that whenever Texas beats Oklahoma, it's over my dead body.

• Walt Disney Company reports $9 billion in 3rd quarter 2025 revenue from its theme parks and Disney Cruise Lines and high hotel occupancy. In only one department is business down. In cities such as Los Angeles, Denver, Phoenix and Chicago, ticket sales have seriously declined for Disney on Ice.

• The Ladies of the View took on the vow by ICE agents to be stationed at the Super Bowl in February. Whoopi Goldberg urged everyone who's going to the Super Bowl to darken their skin in order to confuse ICE. Jimmy Kimmel can provide the face paint and Hakeem Jefferies the sombreros.

• Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson made news Monday by claiming that the Far Right is trying to start the next Civil War. This could add some spark when the emcees introduces me onstage at the Comedy Store. I take great pride in being the only Confederate statue today that's being brought UP.

• Pennsylvania's moderate Democrat Senator John Fetterman voted with the Republicans to try to end the shutdown Wednesday, infuriating the left wing of the party. He also called for the left to stop calling people Nazis. Today, being a moderate Democrat is like being the least-drunk Australian.

• The Washington Post reports the US government shutdown is causing a shortage of air traffic controllers. The ones on duty are exhausted and bound to make mistakes. Last night on my way to my show, I switched my phone to airplane mode and my car crashed into the side of the Comedy Store.

• The Association of Zoos and Aquariums reported Tuesday that 180 million people visited US zoos over the past year. Zoos have always interested me. It was reported Tuesday that the Cleveland Zoo is now looking for a name for their new baby Rhino but they threw out my suggestion, Mitt Romney.

• New York Jets ex-quarterback and Fox NFL analyst Mark Sanchez was charged with felony assault in Indianapolis Monday from a drunken brawl over a parking spot that left him stabbed in the chest. It could get worse. If convicted, Mark could be sentenced to 5-10 more years with the Jets.

• The Atlantic reports newspapers turned to subscription-based revenues rather than advertising revenue to survive. The morning newspaper is my ritual. Every day I open the LA Times and check the obituaries, the police report and bankruptcies, and if I don't read my name I know I'm off to a great day.

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