Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The Riyadh Comedy Festival is paying millions to US comics to perform in Saudi Arabia this week. Their material has to conform to strict Saudi comedy guidelines. Every comic is getting great laughs but it must be exhausting telling 45 minutes of jokes about nothing but Women Drivers and Jews.

• Charlie Sheen's memoir hit the bookstores and is a rollicking journey through the past decades in Hollywood. He and I learned a lot of the same lessons and gained some wisdom. During my long dating career, I learned you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.

• AI actress Tilley Norwood alarmed Hollywood on Tuesday by landing a powerful agent. She is doing all she can to fit in here. This week Tilly had a digital boob job, sued Harvey Weinstein for sexually assaulting her in cyberspace and vows to move to Canada if something isn't done about Trump.

• Jane Goodall, the beloved primatologist and conservationist who hosted the TV documentary series the World of Chimpanzees, died at age 91 in L.A. Monday while on a US speaking tour. The response around the world to the death of the beloved Goodall has been incredible. People are going ape.

• Forbes reported that Elon Musk's personal wealth reached $500 billion Thursday as his 12% stock in Tesla rose, along with Space X, x-AI and X soared. And fascinatingly, Elon may achieve his goal of sending people to Mars. I think we can all agree he's the most creative serial killer of all time.

• The UN Secretary General welcomed President Trump's 20-point program for a Middle East peace settlement. The world's a dangerous place now. Trying to do his part, Ukraine's President Zelensky offered to fly to Washington and broker a peace deal between the Democrats and Republicans.

• The Washington Post reported the US government shutdown is forcing 750,000 civil servants and employees off duty. The shutdown alters the daily routine of many federal workers. Instead of shopping online while working from home, the federal workers have to shop online while furloughed.

• The Coast Guard destroyed a third Venezuelan speed boat full of cocaine in the Caribbean with a missile strike in the unrelenting war on drugs,. It reminds me I once had a friend who had a great job, a wife and nice home before he got mixed up with drugs. Today he has a yacht and an island.

• President Trump declared war on cartels Tuesday after Coast Guard missile attacks destroyed three speed boats in the Caribbean loaded with cocaine. If you thought that sharks were dangerous before wait til you see them on cocaine withdrawal. If I climbed the walls back in 1986 so can the sharks.

• The Taliban reported they cut off all Internet access in Afghanistan Tuesday to eliminate the forces of societal corruption. In just hours, Afghanistan replaced Disney World as the Happiest Place on Earth. I guess when you produce 80% of the world's supply of opiates, you're already halfway there.

• Israeli authorities on Thursday boarded Greta Thunberg's pro-Palestinian six-ship flotilla carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza and arrested Greta. Looking at Greta while she was being detained on the boat, I wondered why she bothered going all the way to Israel. Sweden has Super Cuts. The Free Beacon reported that Generation Z is starting to make a lot

• of money off Tik Tok and social media startups and influencing royalties. My 16-year-old neighbor here in West Hollywood was asked on his driver's test how far he lived from a bus stop. The kid replied, about 15 economic levels. Hillary Clinton went on MSNBC's Morning Joe Monday and said she blamed white men of a certain religion for trying to turn back the clock and impede the nation's march toward progress. She's on a roll lately. Hillary's making remarks so offensive, ABC just offered her the time slot after Kimmel.

• National Geographic legendary primatologist Jane Goodall died at age 91 Wednesday praised for her televised work researching chimps in East Africa. My sources say Jane Goodall asked in her will that she be buried in a gorilla suit. In lieu of flowers her estate has asked that you send bananas.

• Beverly Hills shut down Wednesday for the holy Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. It's a 25-hour abstinence from eating any food in spiritual repentance for past sins. I'll never forget little Pauley Shore asking Mitzi in the late 1970s if he could eat at McDonald's on Yom Kippur because it's fast food. .

• The Super Bowl halftime entertainment committee chaired by rap mogul Jay Z selected rap star Bad Bunny to perform the halftime show at the Super Bowl. He's a Puerto Rican cross-dresser who only speaks and performs in Spanish. Look, either Bud Light is the Official Beer of the NFL or it's not.

• The DHS said ICE will be at the Super Bowl when Puerto Rican Bad Bunny performs at halftime. He's resourceful. The NYPD have lost a lot of squad cars because they put Dial 911 bumper stickers on the rear bumpers and the Puerto Rican gangs kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches.

• President Trump caught hell from the media for sharing meme of Democratic House leader Hakeem Jeffries wearing a flowing black mustache and a sombrero. Can't we all celebrate Hispanic Heritage month? If I was any more pro-Hispanic, candy would come out of me if you hit me with a stick.

• Hakeem Jeffries accused Trump of engineering the shutdown Wednesday and Republicans accused Chuck Schumer. It's not new. There have been 21 US government shutdowns since the first government shutdown in 1976, the longest one being the 4 years when Jimmy Carter was president.

• The Tesla Board offered Elon Musk a world-record $1 trillion pay package if he can reach production goals of one million autonomous taxis and one million robots. Reaction was swift here in LA. I've begun faking the symptoms of autism so the gold diggers on the Strip will think I'm a catch.

• Telegram founder Pavel Durov revealed in an interview Wednesday he survived a poisoning attempt on his life in 2018 likely by Vladimir Putin for being a critic of his fellow Russian. Normally Putin throws you off a building. It's why Red Bull is banned in Russia because Red Bull gives you wings.

• Secretary of War Hegseth laid out the new military rules to all 800 US generals Tuesday. The soldiers sat completely still and didn't applaud or laugh once for 90 minutes. The very threat of this is why Yakov Smirnov waited until the Cold War was over 10 years before he performed any USO shows.

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