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• The Agriculture Department says the corn harvest will yield a record 15 billion bushels of corn, on top of a huge cotton crop. The competition for labor is keen. This month thousands of migrant farm workers could be lured away from the corn and cotton fields and asked to pick the president instead.
•Kamala Harris addressed a crowd Monday taunting Donald Trump for not releasing results of his latest physical. Kamala‘s own health exam released Sunday contained no surprises. The doctor told Kamala she has to quit drinking wine, and when she asked why, he told her so he can finish the exam.
•Donald Trump's campaign requested presidential-level protection for Trump for the rest of the campaign. We're down to threats by Iran to assassinate him. Trump has promised to eliminate or cut so many taxes on so many Americans that Iran is the only one left that's mad enough at Trump to kill him.
• Ad Week reported Fox News continued trouncing CNN and MSNBC in viewer ratings in the cable news wars. One thing is clear from all the hurricanes and tornadoes in the news recently. If your adult kids are urging you to retire to Florida, you are justified in thinking they're trying to kill you.
• The Pentagon sent its best mobile anti-missile system to Israel Monday to intercept any Iranian missile counterattack to Israel's anticipated retributive strike on Iran. This upped the ante. Later that day Iran's bad year got even worse when DNA revealed that Columbus Day is now a Jewish holiday.
• The Trump campaign accused Kamala Harris Sunday of disrespecting American traditions for saying she would change Columbus Day to Indigenous People's Day. New evidence revealing Columbus was Jewish explains everything. He just missed discovering Miami Beach by a hundred miles.
• Wells Fargo reports chocolate prices are skyrocketing due to bad weather in West Africa this year. It resulted in a 14% shortage of cocoa beans. I'm not saying candy is expensive, but this Halloween I'm leaving a bucket on my front porch with a sign on it that reads Only 1 Catfish per Child.
• Elon Musk showed up at the Warner Brothers lot Friday to unveil his new Tesla self-driving cab that has no driver controls, he said they'll move from supervised self-driving to fully self-driving in just a few years. However, if you miss three payments, it drives itself back to the dealership.
• The New York Post quoted futurologist Ian Pearson, who studies the confluence of technology and humanity, predicted that by 2025, women will be having sex more with robots than with men. I'd like to add one warning. Women, if you think the men you date have a screw loose now, just you wait.
• The National Comedy Center in Jamestown named its theater after the legendary TV producer George Schlatter. He remains my mentor to this day. With his encouragement I've spent my career telling political jokes and the only problem I found with political jokes is that too often they get elected.
• Florida Governor Ron DeSantis made emergency supplies of gasoline available to drivers in the aftermath of hurricanes that caused severe shortages at gas stations. It was like old times. Cable news showed aerial shots of gas lines so long at the pump that Jimmy Carter got to relive his presidency.
• The FBI arrested an Afghan national for plotting a terrorist attack to disrupt the 2024 election in the name of ISIS, who arrived un-vetted with Afghan refugees in 2021. But it turns out he was a normal peaceful citizen when he arrived here. He was radicalized by three months of campaign commercials.
• The Justice Department arrested the Afghan refugee terrorist suspect in Oklahoma. Instead of a suicide vest he had a Texas Longhorns jersey. The evacuation flight from Kabul in 2021 caused many Afghans to convert to Scientology hoping they could hang onto an airliner wing like Tom Cruise.
• Democratic Party consultant James Carville accused Trump of scheduling a rally in New York's Madison Square Garden as a tribute to a Nazi Party rally that was held there in 1939. How nuts is this country now? We have reached the point where if no one tries to assassinate Trump, it's a slow news day.
• Kamala Harris did a media blitz last week to explain her policies and showcase her intelligence to Americans After her four TV interviews, Trump went up in the polls. Democrats think Kamala can still win if she doesn't do any more interviews or make any speeches between now and Election Day.
• Kamala Harris went on a media blitz last week giving interviews to CBS 60 Minutes, ABC's The View, CBS Good Morning and a Gen X women's podcast. Then Friday, Kamala's picture was on the cover of Vogue. That's a lot better than President Biden did, whose photo made the cover of Morgue.
• Donald Trump promised a crowd in Colorado Friday that he will deport all the illegal migrant gang members now plaguing U.S. cities. We have to put our country first. These foreign gangs are taking over the drugs, sex trafficking and extortion business that rightfully belongs to our American gangs.
• Barack Obama hosted a town hall on behalf of Kamala Thursday where the former president bawled out black men who are supporting Trump. However, Trump has a mug shot, 92 criminal charges, 3 baby mamas and a $90,000 wrist watch. It's just more evidence that Orange is the New Black
• VP candidate Tim Walz looked flustered when he went hunting with his shotgun and some men Monday, but Tim showed great comedy talent. Three times he had a clear shot at Bugs Bunny and missed. I'm just glad I don't have to hunt for my food, because I don't even know where sandwiches live.
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