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• The NFL posted its agreement on concussion protocols to help players avoid CTE. Last Sunday on the sidelines, a doctor checked a quarterback for concussion by asking him a civics question. When he said he had no idea who is running the country, he was medically cleared and ruled OK to play.
• The National Retail Federation says Americans will spend $12 billion on Halloween including $4 billion on Halloween costumes. Could someone please tell me how to cancel my costume bid on eBay? Yesterday I bid $100 for a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I’m 9 minutes away from owning Boeing.
• The Hollywood Reporter predicted a huge box office for Halloween movies during the month of October. The studios are posting movie trailers full of terrifying coming attractions. One scary movie trailer shows a human hand reaching up out of a grave, and it’s Pete Rose placing a bet on the Yankees.
• FEMA began running low of funds Thursday while rushing aid to the flood-stricken Southeast residents. In the Smoky Mountains, a bear was found dead on a Tennessee highway, lying next to a dozen discarded pancakes. You know, for an environmentalist, Bobby Kennedy sure is a sloppy eater.
• The International Longshoremen reached a tentative deal on wages with the Maritime Alliance through January 15th to give time to work out a permanent deal. It was a close call for us all. Had the strike dragged on, President Biden might have had to tap the nation’s Strategic Toilet Paper Reserve.
• The Pentagon dispatched 40,000 U.S. service personnel to back Israel from missile attacks from Iran, Hezbollah and Yemen. Comedians were sad to learn that the legendary USS Blowfish was de-commissioned. It would’ve been awesome to watch the Blowfish launch cruise missiles at the Houti’s.
• Liz Cheney, daughter of Dick Cheney, campaigned with Kamala Harris Thursday. It spotlights the party switch by the defense establishment. In an effort to remain in existence, Iran just called off the assassination of Donald Trump and offered to fire missiles at themselves if that’ll make it up to him.
• The Baltimore Sun reports a federal judge ruled to allow a University of Maryland group called Justice for Palestine to march on the anniversary of the Hamas attack on Israel. One group of protestors wave signs that say Queers for Palestine. That’s like holding up a sign that says Wives for O.J.
• Kamala Harris campaigned in New England Wednesday alongside Republican defeated former Congresswoman Liz Cheney who absolutely loathes Donald Trump. Adding fuel to the girl power fire, Hillary warned if Trump is elected, it will end America as we know it now. I wish I could depend on that.
• The International Longshoremen went on strike at U.S. ports from Maine to Texas Tuesday and that could result in a severe scarcity of household goods. Democrats need to fix this fast. If we learned anything back in 2020, it’s that nothing leads to a change of administrations like a toilet paper shortage.
• Major League Baseball paid tribute to the all-time-hits leader Pete Rose who died Monday. Pete Rose hung out at an Italian restaurant-bar in Las Vegas every day and he would talk baseball with anybody there. I heard he said in early April that if the Mets made the playoffs this year, he’ll drop dead.
• Shohei Ohtani led the L.A. Dodgers into the playoffs after leading the league with 54 homers and 59 stolen bases. The superstar talent not only connects with baseball fans, he’s now connected with the country. It happened last week when Shohei Ohtani joined the American electorate in the 50/50 club.
• US News and World Report reports the U.S. marriage rate increased in 2024 to its highest level in six years. The millennial generations were late to the altar and are being encouraged to have kids and save the birth rate. If two people love each other, nothing is impossible except deciding where to eat.
• Brewers Publicans reports that beer sales in the U.S. increased to $45 billion in 2024, adding that the average American will drink 28 gallons of beer this year. Beer had a rollicking influence on my earlier life. I was 7 years old when Oklahoma legalized beer, and it was the longest 7 years of my life.
• Governor Gavin Newsom enacted the Clean California Initiative to clean up the homeless camps in L.A. They’re just a rung down from apartment renters strangled by high rents now living month-to-month. Los Angeles is the only place where people use a $1,200 phone to check their food stamp balance.
• CBS News hosted the VP debate between J.D. Vance and Tim Walz Tuesday night in New York City. The cable news pundits said the VP debate may be important to sway any voters who are still sitting on the fence. My feeling is, if you’re still sitting on the fence by now, get some Preparation H.
• Vice presidential candidates Senator JD Vance and Governor Tim Walz engaged in a terrific debate in New York. Both Vance and Walz were intelligent, articulate, polite and extremely well-read on all the issues. They should be dropped from their tickets for making their front-runners sound insane.
• JD Vance and Tim Walz in their vice presidential debate locked horns over health care. It’s about accessibility. My neighbor is a 24-year-old Gen Z woman who explained to me that in two years her mother’s insurance is going to run out for her and she will have to change mothers.
• Politico reported Donald Trump continued to blast Kamala over her past positions on defunding the police and open borders Tuesday while Kamala continued to blast Trump over his alleged past actions on January 6th. People who can’t let go of the past really annoy me. Debt collectors are the worst.
• Iran’s military attacked Israel for an hour on Tuesday, firing 181 missiles across the Middle East aimed at the Jewish state in retaliation for killing Hezbollah’s leader. Israel’s anti-aircraft system shot down a near-record number of the missiles. Only Tony Romo had more interceptions in 60 minutes.
• President Biden acknowledged he authorized two U.S. destroyers off the coast of Israel to fire 12 anti-missile interceptors at the 180 Iranian missiles headed in the air toward Israel. Iran wasn’t thinking. Joe spent 2022 shooting balloons out of the sky and was itching to show off his marksmanship.
• The Washington Post reports four U.S. astronauts and a Russian cosmonaut are returning home this week from the International Space Station after 7 months. As a side note NASA noted that 24 American astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about Ohio that makes people want to flee the earth?
• Major League Baseball began the playoffs with the Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Yankees favored by Las Vegas to make it into the World Series. The baseball world was saddened on Monday to hear that the great Pete Rose died, and no one is sadder than I am. I had it 10-1 he’d make it to October.
• The National Retail Federation forecast that Americans will spend $11.6 billion on Halloween in 2024, just slightly down from last year. Last night my neighbor placed a jack-o-lantern on his front porch after cutting off the top of the pumpkin’s head and scooping everything out. Now it’s ready to vote.
• The Chicago Teachers Union staged a huge protest for more money for public schools after $200 billion in available Covid relief funds ended Monday. Nationwide, the politically truculent Teachers Union needs to realize they’re not irreplaceable. And if anyone needs a math teacher, I’m available 25/7.
• The New York Post says a Dallas man purchased at auction a guitar autographed by Taylor Swift she’d used and donated to a charity. In front of the auction audience he took hold of her guitar and smashed it all over the stage in disrespect. Taylor heard the news and immediately asked if he’s single.
• Donald Trump received huge cheers from the stadium crowd at the Alabama-Georgia football game last Saturday in Tuscaloosa. However the very same day, a 40-foot-high naked statue of Trump was put up outside Las Vegas. It’s guarded by a statue of a Secret Service agent distracted by his phone.
• Bobby Kennedy Jr. campaigned in Detroit Saturday where he addressed a huge audience and urged Michigan voters not to vote for him on Michigan’s November ballot from which he failed to remove himself. Hunters love him. Bobby Kennedy believes in the right to bear arms, as a menu item.
• Reverend Franklin Graham enlisted Donald Trump Monday to accompany him in relief efforts for all the Hurricane Helene damage over the weekend from Florida to Virginia. By Monday, the hurricane had left 20 million people without electricity in North Carolina. Gentlemen, start your Tesla’s!
• The Biden administration faced criticism over its lax Hurricane Helene response Monday. Joe Biden spent all weekend at a Delaware beach and Kamala attended fundraisers in California. The administration response was such a disaster that FEMA has set up its trailers on the White House lawn.
• President Biden appeared in North Carolina this morning to get a first-hand look at Helene’s destruction. It’s times like this that Joe will be missed by us comedians. I can see Joe surveying the devastating water and wind damage, and telling Carolinians that he once survived a flood in an Ark.
• Kamala Harris stopped by and viewed the U.S.-Mexican border in Arizona Friday while on her way to party fundraisers in California. Kamala said she will overhaul the nation’s border policy that she maintains is obviously broken. We are getting so many murderers now it’s clogging up the system.
• White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre bristled when told ICE revealed 425,000 illegal criminals are now in the U.S. including 15, 000 convicted rapists and 15,000 murderers. We could be a little more appreciative of these criminals. They’re merely doing the crimes Americans refuse to do.
• Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah was reported killed when he suffocated in the air raid shelter underneath the building bombed by Israel. A week earlier, many of his lieutenants were taken out by exploding pagers and walkie-talkies. The executive turnover rate at Hezbollah is higher than Boeing’s.
• The Hollywood Reporter noted a poll which found most Americans would rather watch movies at home than go out to a theater. Last night I paused Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to go to 7-Eleven to buy a double Snickers bar. This is why I can’t watch Blow, Boogie Nights or Breaking Bad.
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