Every once in a while, someone comes up with a truly new idea for a product. The Pop-Tart. The Tesla. Twitter. (Use with care!)
Usually, though, folks pressed to invent something spectacular just seem to take a pre-existing product and add a new vitamin, twist-off top or sprinkling of ever hotter nacho cheese. The truly desperate add lime.
On the off chance that you are charged with inventing something marketable by the meeting tomorrow at 4, I present to you, as my gift, Skenazy's Instant New-ish Product Generator.
The Skenazy, as I like to call it, is good for developing pretty much any newish food, drink, soap, drug or toiletry. In a pinch, it can work for pet and automotive products, too.
Don't thank me for saving your a— er, your job. Just send me a couple of free samples. In the meantime, simply mix and match from columns A, B and C to come up with your great new idea.
Anti-, pro- and prehistoric biotic
100-calorie (unless you eat more than one)
Hormone-free and lovin' it
Easy- and/or anti-lock
Soothing yet energizing
Super-chunky, to the point of being almost disgusting
Never even MET a trans fat, I swear to G0D!
Made someplace other than China
—Optional: For men!
A splash of juice
A hint o' mint
Teeth-replacing agents (NEW!)
A commitment to peace, the environment and Kucinich '08
87 percent pure cacao
Yet more honey and cinnamon
Crunch vodka/marshmallow action (use only as directed)