Why Didn't YOU Think of This?

Every once in a while, someone comes up with a truly new idea for a product. The Pop-Tart. The Tesla. Twitter. (Use with care!)

Usually, though, folks pressed to invent something spectacular just seem to take a pre-existing product and add a new vitamin, twist-off top or sprinkling of ever hotter nacho cheese. The truly desperate add lime.

On the off chance that you are charged with inventing something marketable by the meeting tomorrow at 4, I present to you, as my gift, Skenazy's Instant New-ish Product Generator.

The Skenazy, as I like to call it, is good for developing pretty much any newish food, drink, soap, drug or toiletry. In a pinch, it can work for pet and automotive products, too.

Don't thank me for saving your a— er, your job. Just send me a couple of free samples. In the meantime, simply mix and match from columns A, B and C to come up with your great new idea.

—A

Antibiotic

Probiotic

Anti-, pro- and prehistoric biotic

100-calorie (unless you eat more than one)

Whole-grain

Spelt-filled

Lactose-be-gone

Hormone-free and lovin' it

Slow-churned

Free-range

Grain-fed

Home-schooled

Easy- and/or anti-lock

Cinnamon-honey

Tension-busting

Soothing yet energizing

Extra volume

Cavity-filling

Double-the-cream

Double-the-chips

Double-the-chins

Light

Rich

Super-chunky, to the point of being almost disgusting

Cucumber-melon

Soft-baked

No-rinse

Sea salt

Extra-crispy

Portobello mushroom-flavored

Sour cream-slathered

Never even MET a trans fat, I swear to G0D!

Soy

Rainforest

Made someplace other than China

—B

Crumb cake

Coke

Crest

Crunch

Hummus

Diet Pepsi

Dryer sheets

Soft soap

Aquafina

Ice cream

Shampoo/conditioner

Yogurt

Gas

Butter substitute

Applesauce

Smoothie

Pizza

SpaghettiOs

Soup mix

Kitty food

Clusters

Hair dye

Chocolate bar

Ambien

Cracker

Toaster pastries

Oatmeal

Lug nuts

Fritos

Dove

Tide

—Optional: For men!

—C

With...

A splash of juice

A hint o' mint

Citrus mint

Citrus-lime-lavender-ocean-breeze-yoga-mat mint

Green tea

White tea

Greenish-whitish tea

Pomegranate

Moisture-replenishing nutrients

Teeth-whitening agents

Teeth-replacing agents (NEW!)

SAT boosters

A commitment to peace, the environment and Kucinich '08

Extra cheese

Extra liver

Breath-freshening micro-beads

Old-fashioned horseradish

Old-fashioned horse-sense

Ginseng clusters

Butter ribbons

Antioxidants

87 percent pure cacao

Yet more honey and cinnamon

Extra crunch

Fast-acting vodka

Mini marshmallows

Crunch vodka/marshmallow action (use only as directed)

Lime (sigh).

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