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Jewish World Review Oct. 24, 2003 / 28 Tishrei, 5764

Tom Purcell

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A sorry bunch

http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Barbara Bush was right.

During a Dateline interview last week, she said she wasn't happy about the things Democratic presidential candidates were saying about her son. She said they were a sorry bunch.

The truth of the matter is that Democrats running for president are saying some outrageous things with the hopes of grabbing the public's interest, but they're not making much headway.

At a time when the president's tax cuts are starting to revive the economy, most want to repeal them. At a time when we are in the middle of an aggressive war on terrorism, they are saying we should come home.

You could read what lots of pundits have to say about Democrats and the presidential candidates in general. But if you want to know what these fellows, and lady, are really up to, a more reliable source is our late night comedians.

Perhaps one reason Democrats aren't getting traction is because the shadow of Bill Clinton still looms large over their party.

"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General Wesley Clark," says Jay Leno. "Do you know the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates."

David Letterman is even more pointed about the Clinton factor:

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"Wesley Clark is being coached by former President Clinton. I believe this is the first time a general is being advised by a pot-smoking draft dodger."

Clinton is warning his Democratic colleagues not to stray too far left, but Howard Dean isn't listening. Dean, a self-declared anti-war liberal, is attacking his competitors for being too hawkish. But still his message isn't getting traction.

"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat," says Jay Leno. "So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes now."

Congressman Dennis Kucinich is far to the left of Dean, and his message isn't getting out, either. Conan O'Brien sums up his presidential hopes.

"Last night, during the Democratic debates, candidate Dennis Kucinich said he would stop the death penalty, cut the defense budget and set up a Department of Peace. Kucinich made the remark in response to the question 'Why is it you have no chance of winning?'"

Senator John Edwards is really having trouble getting his message out. He's the most photogenic and likable of all the candidates, an important factor in presidential elections, but nobody is listening.

"John Edwards announced for president on September 16th," says Leno. "This is what I love about this election: if no one listens to you the first 40 times you announce, just announce again."

Poor Dick Gephardt is getting nowhere, even though his father was a milkman and he promises to soak the rich. Letterman explains why.

"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running for president - all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before for president in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis."

Leno adds to Gephardt's woes.

"Democratic Presidential candidate Dick Gephardt fell short of his fundraising goal by $1 million. His goal was to try and raise $1 million."

Despite being one of the more centrist candidates in the campaign, Joe Lieberman isn't being heard either.

"Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he's running for president," says Leno. "He made the announcement at his old high school. Out of force of habit, the kids gave him a wedgie and broke his glasses."

And then there is John Kerry. He comes across as a snooty upper class fellow. And he looks French. But not even the late-night comedians are paying attention to him. I couldn't find one joke on him.

In any event, it appears the majority of Americans agree with Barbara Bush. The Democrats running for president are good at vitriol, but short on a clear plan for America in the midst of our war on terror. But don't take my word for it. Listen to Leno.

"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates running for president."

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Up


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10/10/03: Men and women and brains
10/03/03: Iraqi Pork
09/26/03: They would not leave
09/19/03: A radical idea
09/12/03: Food Guide Pyramid has a "stupidity factor"?
09/05/03: Flag waving and football cheering
08/29/03: People who have it all, too often don't
08/25/03: Attack of the 'virus twits'
08/08/03: Why not have a whole slew of the world's dignitaries and leaders come by to visit you?
08/01/03: Do you really want to live until 500?
07/18/03: "Ain't-my-fault" lawsuits are becoming more creative
07/18/03: The real story never makes for good summertime drama in Washington
07/11/03: Government bureaucrats, not elected officials, are really the ones determining what people and organizations can and can't do
07/03/03: Overworked Americans
06/27/03: The Metrosexual Male
06/20/03: Crime Etiquette in Washington, D.C.
06/13/03: My Father, the Thief and the MGB
06/05/03: An Open Letter to Bill and Hillary
05/30/03: We are a busy people
05/23/03: Liar, Liar
05/16/03: Laffer all the way to the bank
05/09/03: My mother's house
05/02/03: Teaching the Iraqis how to protest
04/25/03: Iraqi TV
04/21/03: Explaining Democracy to the Iraqis
04/11/03: Major increases to the beer tax? That's a cheap shot right to the beer gut
04/04/03: War humor
03/31/03: Dolphins, PETA and the USA
03/21/03: Traffic Wars
03/14/03: Ronald Reagan's St. Patrick's Day
03/03/03: My Family's Tragic Secret: We're French
02/21/03: I'm worried about my people
02/14/03: George Washington Makeover
02/07/03: Making quiet sacrifices
01/24/03: "Gimme the, goo-goo, gah-gah, remote!"
01/21/03: "Misunderestimated"
01/10/03: Republican night life
01/06/03: Exercise pills
12/31/02: They provide unending joy to those who are wise enough to let them in
12/13/02: Hurried Man Syndrome
12/06/02: In DC, snowstorms have important ramifications --- or, at least, they should
11/26/02: Police advertising
11/15/02: An Interview with Osama
11/01/02: How to vote in America
10/25/02: On edge in Washington, D.C
10/11/02: Giving new meaning to "selling your body"
10/04/02: Bush's Angels
09/27/02: Conservatives, Liberals, Dick Armey and Barry Manilow
09/20/02: Are SUV drivers are the new GOPers?
09/13/02: Bubba is Dubya's man
09/06/02: The Freedom to Picnic
08/16/02: Ah, the $izzle of anti-terrorist pork
08/09/02: Vacationless prez and gutless Americans
07/26/02: Study gives women permission not to hide their emotions
07/15/02: Patriot food
06/28/02: Eavesdropping on a San Fran classroom
06/21/02: The crowded skies
06/14/02: Contemporary Father's Day: A conversation for the ages
06/07/02: Legal rights for animals?
05/19/02: Advice for prom goers this year: Hold onto your money
05/10/02: Don't take her for granted
05/03/02: Letter to the parents of a tubby teen
04/26/02: Zacarias Moussaoui gets expert legal advice

© 2002, Tom Purcell