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Jewish World Review Oct. 17, 2003 / 21 Tishrei, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Chicago Cubs blew the National League Championship Series Wednesday. It wasn't a total loss. The team just got a call from Siegfried in Las Vegas asking if the fan who interfered with the foul ball would like to do one commercial for Purina Tiger Chow.

Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman prevented a foul fly from being caught by his own left-fielder Tuesday and cost the Cubs the pennant. He has gone into hiding. Perhaps the only thing that can be said for being an imbecile is the hours are good.

Governor Jeb Bush thanked Cubs fan Steve Bartman for grabbing at a foul fly ball. It prevented an out and ignited a Florida rally. In California, we have two words for guys who can't keep their hands to themselves — Governor Schwarzenegger.

Martha Stewart told Barbara Walters on ABC's 20/20 that she's frightened about her legal problems ahead. There was tension on the set of the interview. Sparks flew when a production assistant offered Martha Stewart three cigarettes for a Diet Coke.

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that the Justice Department can't punish doctors who recommend marijuana to sick patients. Enforcement varies widely nationwide. You know you live in San Francisco if you cannot remember whether or not pot is illegal.

Congressional negotiators revealed a plan Wednesday to pay for Medicare prescription drug coverage by charging high-income senior citizens higher Medicare premiums. Lawmakers have exhausted every other idea. Seniors could get all the free drugs they wanted, but none of them have the energy to re-enroll in high school.

Kobe Bryant's lawyers revealed his accuser had DNA on her underwear belonging to somebody besides Kobe. It doesn't prove anything. It just shows that Monica Lewinsky has moved beyond handbags and started selling Oval Office mementos on the Internet.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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