Jewish World Review Oct. 10, 2002 / 4 Mar-Cheshvan, 5763

Marlk Miller

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History's Least-Appreciated Explorers (And For Good Reason)


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Every now and then, I fantasize about what my life would have been like if I had been one of history's greatest explorers--raising funds and gathering crews for exciting voyage after voyage to parts unknown, fearlessly navigating treacherous waters, coping with all sorts of uncertain conditions, charting maps, seeking treasure, encountering never-before-seen peoples--every day an unknown, breathtaking adventure. In those moments in which I am fantasizing, I am absolutely convinced I would have made a superb explorer and would feel the same way even if I hadn't just consumed six beers.

How thrilling it would be, not only to live the life of a great explorer, but also to be remembered throughout history as one--even to have an actual holiday in your honor. Of course, not every explorer was or could be as famous as Christopher Columbus. In fact, as it turns out, there's a whole slew of explorers you probably never even heard of. And, to be fair, they probably never heard of you, either.

I was making my way through the treacherous shelves of the library the other day (which is just about as dangerous as my own actual exploring gets), when I came upon a fascinating book entitled, "The Forgotten Explorers: A Whole Slew Of 'Em You Probably Never Even Heard Of." Three things immediately struck me about the book: 1) It was very large. 2) The last time it was taken out was November 3, 1952. 3) The scratch 'n sniff portions seemed superfluous. Nonetheless, here are just a few of its more notable inclusions:

Giovanni de Pollo Loco -- Literally translated, this explorer's name is Giovanni the Crazy Chicken. Known for being both insane and a coward, Pollo Loco is best known for "discovering" Peru, being immediately chased out of the country by the natives who'd already been living there for thousands of years, then waiting until nightfall to sneak back into the country, disguised as a llama, to retrieve his wallet he'd left behind. According to legend, one of his descendants went on to establish some sort of fast food chain in Southern California.

Ferdinand Pelota -- First to march across the Isthmus of Panama, Pelota failed to gain credit for this, due to his inability to pronounce the word "isthmus" without King Charles laughing his head off. Despite his lack of recognition, Pelota earned a degree of respect in his later years, when King Charles appointed him Court Jester. During state dinners, the King would amuse his guests by summoning Pelota and ordering him to say "I discovered the Isthmus shortly before Christmas," ten times really fast.

Vasco de Nunez Portola de Verrazano de Soto -- Known primarily for the partnership he set up with Diego de Almagro and Francisco de Luque: Explorers 'R Us. De Soto's genius was originating the concept of explorers for hire. They would work for anyone willing to pay their fee of sixty pesetas for the first quarter mile, twenty pesetas for each additional mile, luggage extra. The business became so popular that franchises were sold, but the quality suffered as extra elements, such as a pasta bar and hot oil wrestling were added. Sadly, the three perished at sea, during a voyage attempting to seek out a quicker western route to Luque's girlfriend Shirley's house.

Leif Svenson -- Originally part of the crew of the famous Leif Ericsson, Svenson parted ways with his employer during a disagreement over which country had better sardine fishing, Iceland or Greenland. Svenson was not known as a great leader. Lacking diplomatic skills, he was unable to control his followers, the majority of whom ended up leaving him to star in the successful Helsinki nightclub revue, Swedish Hunks Of 1327. Ironically, Svenson had his greatest success in his latter years, as founder of the highly popular theme park, Scandinavianland--with it's most popular attraction, "It's A Blonde World, After All."

Sir Frances Mallard -- This British explorer is known primarily for his never actually having set foot aboard a ship. In fact, Mallard never left England at all. When questioned about this unorthodox behavior, Mallard would invariably become irate, get right up in the face of his questioner, and exclaim, "Hey, I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to be an explorer." Mallard's behavior is perhaps more understandable in light of his background: his father was a doctor who never treated a patient, his grandfather was a farmer who never planted anything, and his mother never gave birth.

Rene-Robert Pommes Frites -- Pommes-Frites circumnavigated the globe three times, as part of his life-long quest to acquire the rare spices of Asia. Upon returning from his final trip, Pommes-Frites was somewhat miffed to discover that the spices he finally acquired had been available all along in the gourmet foods aisle of his local supermarket. Pommes Frites' comment at the time, "I swear, I feel like such a ninny." Nonetheless, for the rest of his life, he never ran out of oregano.



JWR contributor Mark Miller is a former stand-up comic and current Los Angeles-based comedy writer, who has written and produced TV sit-coms, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate, contributed to numerous national publications, and has produced a weekly comedic relationships feature for America Online. Comment by clicking here.

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© 2002, Mark Miller