Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Jimmy Kimmel returned to Late Night last week after his week-long suspension. He once saved my life. Years ago, I had been injured and I was lying in a hospital bed in a deep coma, and a friend came to visit me and he turned on the TV to Jimmy Kimmel's show, and I got up to change the channel.

• ABC reported a lawyer was appointed for Charlie Kirk shooter Tyler Robinson. Hey, no jobless leftist can shoot me onstage at the Comedy Store, I'm protected by the cover charge. If he wants a shot at me he's got to scrounge up $67.50 at the door and slip the doorman a big tip for rooftop seating.

• Human Rights Watch protested the dozen top US comedians who were paid millions by Saudi Arabia to fly there and perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. I'm alive today because they didn't invite me. I once phoned the Suicide Hotline Number in Riyadh and they asked me if I could fly a plane.

• Bobby Kennedy warned if women take Tylenol while pregnant it could result in autism in their babies. In other scientific breakthroughs, we learned that TV coverage carries health risks also. I saw and heard the Ryder Cup gallery all weekend and I noticed there is a link between obesity and Tourette's.

• Team Europe successfully retained the Ryder Cup and defeated Team USA Sunday for world golf bragging rights. Afterwards President Trump took full responsibility for our team's loss. When he demanded that Europe spend more money on defense, he did NOT mean in defense of the Ryder Cup.

• Daily Variety reports product placement advertising in movies is booming with the decline of network TV viewership and print ads. It really works. Last night I paused Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to drive to the store and buy a large Snickers, and this is why I can't watch Scarface.

• Senator John Fetterman urged fellow Democrats to knock off what he called the dangerously divisive rhetoric being thrown about on the floor of Congress. Last week, Congresswoman Ilhan Omar stated that white men are the most violent men in the world. And she left Somalia for Minnesota?

• Chicago protestors blocked ICE vehicles as ICE agents rounded up illegal aliens Sunday. The ICE agents enraged the mob by firing tear gas and pepper balls at them. All I will say is this, if I were Ice T or Vanilla Ice I'd be removing my name from my tour bus before my next show in Chicago.

• The White House faced angry protests Sunday over ICE raids, perceived free speech violations involving Jimmy Kimmel and troop deployment to Portland. It doesn't make us look very good at the United Nations. Hamas issued a statement Saturday urging Americans to tone down the violence.

• Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is arranging a transfer of land in downtown Miami fo the Donald Trump Presidential Library. Long into the future, the president wants his legacy to be unforgettable after he's gone. The Golf Channel just won the broadcast rights to carry Trump's funeral.

• President Trump will release the files of pilot Amelia Earhart who disappeared over the Pacific in 1937 fueling 90 years of wild speculation over her fate. In 2017 an old photo surfaced of her on a Japanese island. She was standing next to Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa, in front of the Loch Ness Monster.

• Kamala Harris launched her 14-city book tour with a town hall event in New York City which was met by angry pro-Palestinian protestors. Her approval rating is sinking fast. Yesterday, I had two copies of Kamala Harris's book in my car and someone smashed my passenger window and left four more.

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