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• Minnesota Governor Tim Walz expressed regret that rumors of Trump's death sweeping the media last weekend were false. If you're keeping score, progressives said Trump was dead, Biden was alive, Kamala was smart and it wasn't Hunter's coke. Only the French Army has a longer losing streak.
• Kamala Harris is going on a nationwide book tour to promote the sale of her 2025 presidential campaign memoir title 100 Days. I identify with the way she thinks. Kamala's doctor once advised her that her alcohol level was too high, so she moved it to a lower shelf so she could reach it more easily.
• The Department of Transportation reports Americans will embark on 900 million airline flights this year. In good news for airline safety, I just heard that airline manufacturers are creating a plane made entirely out of rubber that's crash-proof. The Boeing-Boeing-Boeing 867 is introduced next month.
• The NFL season opened Thursday when the Philadelphia Eagles hosted the Dallas Cowboys. One of the white players on the sideline sported a new hairstyle combining a crew cut on top, with dreadlocks going down his neck. He asked his barber for Cracker Barrel in the front and Waffle House in the back.
• The Daily Mail reports a British comic was arrested at Heathrow Airport by five armed London cops for posting anti-trans opinions (Please see, here). I don't understand why the five police were armed. What was he going to do, tell a politically incorrect joke so funny they needed to either draw their guns in self-defense or die laughing?
• The Pentagon said the US missile strike that blew a Venezuelan speedboat into the Caribbean Tuesday was a declaration of war on the drug cartels. The aftermath of the missile strike was totally predictable. In breaking news, five sharks selling cocaine to tourists have been arrested off a dock in Aruba.
• President Trump asked the Supreme Court to allow him to fire the FTC Commissioner Rebecca Slaughter whom lower courts reinstated. The issue of termination quickly escalated. Democrats in Washington DC expressed their fury at President Trump for refusing to admit that he died last weekend.
• President Trump appeared to be refreshed when he showed up for his Oval Office press briefing Tuesday. He had dropped out of sight the entire weekend, sparking reports he'd died, but he didn't die. Democrats were all set to move up the date for Mexican Independence Day celebrations had it been true.
• The United Nations will celebrate its 80th anniversary on Thursday when the General Assembly convenes in New York. It's attended by all the world leaders. I don't want to say America's reputation as a peacemaker is at a low point, but Putin and Zelensky just met and called for a cease fire in Chicago.
• US Attorney for the District of Columbia Jeanine Pirro announced federal agents seized 1,300 barrels of methamphetamine precursor while being shipped from China to Mexico. If you're a user, I would advise you should never buy meth from a dealer who has a full set of teeth. He's obviously a cop.
• The New York Times reported that Chinese hackers launched a cyber attack on the US and stole sensitive information from every American. So China has my data, DOGE has my data, DOGE knows my data & AI Girlfriend knows my data. The only one who doesn't know all my passwords is me.
• The US posted a $50 million reward for the capture of Venezuela dictator Nicholas Maduro Thursday. In the 1898 Spanish-American War, back when the US defeated Spain in just a few weeks and seized Spain's colonies Puerto Rico, Cuba, Guam and the Philippines, there was cocaine in America's cough drops, throat lozenges, coca wine and Coca Cola. So never think that we can't win a war on drugs.
• President Trump flies to England for a state visit soon and security arrangements are now set for his arrival. Trump will step off the plane September 17 at Heathrow Airport. London police will then arrest Trump for his history of tweets about transgenders, illegal migrants and unattractive women.
• Ohio State tops the college football rankings after defeating Texas Saturday. The national title game in January will likely come down to an SEC versus a Big 10 team. College football was invented right after the Civil War in order to give Southern states and Northern states a safer way to keep fighting.
• North Carolina coach Bill Belichick grimly faced the media Monday after the Tarheels were walloped by TCU by a score of 48-14. But that's wasn't such a big margin if you use Bill and his girlfriend's age difference as a standard. It could've only been worse for Bill if the score had been 73-24.
• Digital Information World said 91% of Baby Boomers feel intimidated by new technology. This week, a young neighbor activated the GPS on my dashboard for me. Yesterday I felt uncomfortable when I drove by Forest Lawn Cemetery and the GPS lady announced that I reached my final destination.
• President Trump posted video on Truth Social Wednesday of the missile strike he ordered on the Venezuelan speed boat carrying 11 crew members and ton of cocaine. The Coast Guard should look for survivors. If the sharks went after the cocaine first they will be too wired to eat the Venezuelans.
• Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson vowed Wednesday to resist any deployment of the National Guard in Chicago by President Trump. It was in the wake of good news. The number of shootings in Chicago greatly went down this week after the guy who adds up and reports all the shootings got shot.
• The New York Times said the NY mayor's race presents a fork in the road for the Democratic Party over whether or not to go all-out socialist or remain a center-left party. There was sad news for the future of the Democratic party Tuesday morning. President Trump was found alive in the White House at age 79.
• Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker is dieting to present a healthier candidate for president in 2028. That's tough to do the way they eat and drink in Illinois. Yesterday I saw a picture of the governor in July before he went on his diet and a picture of him today, and in only six weeks, J.B. lost his glasses.
• Fox News reported Tuesday that anti-ICE protestors in Portland rolled out a guillotine and clashed with police outside a Customs Enforcement facility. I guess we all have a pet cause. Today I am wearing pink to raise awareness for Americans like me who mix reds with whites on laundry day.
• British Reform Party leader Nigel Farage testified in the US Congress about the muzzling of free speech in the UK, where comedians are arrested for anti-woke posts. The huge number of mosques on London street corners make me think Jesus is no good at Monopoly. Now come and get me coppers!
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