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Jewish World Review Sept. 23, 2004 / 8 Tishrei, 5765

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Angry Cat Stevens vows to resume singing

Broadcasts threat on Al-Jazeera | Hours after being refused entry into the United States, 1970’s recording artist Cat Stevens lashed out at the U.S. government today, vowing to resume his recording career “immediately” as the ultimate act of revenge.

Appearing on the Arabic-language network Al-Jazeera, a visibly angry Mr. Stevens threatened to attack the U.S. with the full force of his insipid folk-rock music.

Brandishing an acoustic guitar, the erstwhile pop star warned that “no one in America would be safe from my insidious melodies” before launching into a spirited rendition of the song “Peace Train.”

A spokesman for the CIA said today that experts need more time to study the chilling video, but that it appears to be authentic: “We do not believe that anyone but the real Cat Stevens remembers the lyrics to ‘Peace Train.’”

On the campaign trail, Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry blasted President Bush for the Cat Stevens incident, saying that the President’s reckless actions had resuscitated an irritating singer’s long-dormant recording career.

“When George Bush took office, Cat Stevens was not a problem,” Mr. Kerry told a rally in Akron, Ohio. “Through a successful policy of containment, his music had mainly been limited to classic rock stations.”

“But now, thanks to George Bush’s misguided decision to provoke Cat Stevens, we may be subjected to renditions of not only ‘Peace Train,’ but also ‘Morning Has Broken’ and ‘Moonshadow’ for years and years to come,” Mr. Kerry said.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz