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Jewish World Review Sept. 15, 2004 / 29 Elul, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry plans ‘December Surprise’

Too little, too late, Dems fear | Amid fears that he is trailing further behind President George W. Bush in the polls, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry is planning a “December Surprise” to win the election, aides confirmed today.

Kerry staffers, aware that their candidate has been criticized for being too cautious in his campaign, believe that word of Mr. Kerry’s “December Surprise” will do much to alter that perception.

“Those who think that John Kerry isn’t capable of taking bold action are going to be very, very surprised come December,” one aide said.

But even as rumors of Mr. Kerry’s “December Surprise” spread through Democratic circles, some Democrats expressed fears that Mr. Kerry’s new strategy, while a positive sign for the campaign, might be too little, too late.

“I find it particularly troubling that John Kerry is planning a surprise, whatever it is, for after the election has already taken place,” said Milton Crowe, a longtime Democratic Party activist in Pittsburgh. “Call me old fashioned, but the time for this sort of thing is October.”

Not so, said the Kerry aide: “An October surprise is exactly what the Republicans are expecting us to do,” adding, “Trust us, we know what we’re doing.”

In a sign that the campaign may be beginning to rebound, the aide pointed to a new poll showing that a majority of Americans would rather vote for Mr. Kerry than be poked in the eye with a sharp stick.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of, most recently, "The Borowitz Report : The Big Book of Shockers" a Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz