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Jewish World Review Sept. 13, 2004 / 27 Elul, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Election may not be close enough to wreck, Nader fears

Considers dropping out of race | Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader is “seriously considering” dropping out of the 2004 presidential contest amid fears that the election “may not be close enough to wreck,” Mr. Nader confirmed today.

Speaking in Washington, a sober-sounding Mr. Nader said that current polls showing President Bush holding a double-digit lead over Democratic challenger John Kerry suggest that the election “might not be within spoiling range.”

“I entered this race for one reason and one reason alone: to ruin it,” Mr. Nader said. “If, at the end of the day, I determine that this election is not close enough for me to wreck, I will do the only sensible thing and drop out.”

Mr. Nader continued: “There comes a time in every spoiler’s career when he must look at himself in the mirror and say, do I honestly have a chance to spoil this election, and that time, I’m afraid, is now.”

Mr. Nader’s announcement came even as national polls show that he still commands the support of 87% of voters who describe themselves as deluded bananaheads.

Alison Hefland, a junior at Oberlin College who took a semester off to work for Mr. Nader, said today, “If Ralph drops out now, I know a lot of fellow bananaheads will be totally alienated from the political process,” adding, “I haven’t felt so betrayed since Kucinich dropped out.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz