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Jewish World Review August 24, 2001 / 5 Elul, 5761

Steve Young

Steve Young
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Pitch day at the Mouse


http://www.jewishworldreview.com -- GREAT news, purveyors of Disney family fare! Disney's "Bubble Boy" has opened at a theater near you. It's the hilarious misadventures of a boy, forced by a severe ailment to live in a plastic bubble. With bubble about his body, he hits the road as he attempts to stop the marriage of his dream girl to another guy.

Hysterical concept, aye? I thought it might be interesting to take a look at how a family film conglomerate might come up with this clever concept. Disclaimer: (Perhaps, one day, to work again in this town) The following characters are fictional and have no relation to real or imagined industry moguls or family film studios with theme parks.

FADE IN:

INT. MICHAEL NOTEISNER'S OFFICE - DAY: A PRODUCER enters, interrupting Bizney Chairman, MICHAEL NOTEISNER, as he plays with (3) KIDS.

PRODUCER

Ahem.

NOTEISNER

Three PM already? Go play with the boys in development, kids. Daddy has to hear about a new movie idea.

KID #1

Will Bambi die in this one, Daddy?

NOTEISNER

(Chuckling) One could only hope.

Kids exit.

PRODUCER

You have some beautiful children, M.N..

NOTEISNER

Oh, they're not mine. I lease. Saves having to pay for all those focus groups.

PRODUCER

But they called you, "Daddy."

NOTEISNER

Everyone at Bizney calls me Daddy. So, whatcha got?

PRODUCER

It's called Bubble Boy. Picture this...We take a sick kid. Not that sick, but sick enough that he needs to live in a plastic bubble.

NOTEISNER

A comedy, right?

PRODUCER

Right. It's sort of a Lorenzo's Oilmeets The Waterboy. I mean he's okay as long as he stays in the bubble.

NOTEISNER

Like that Barbarino kid did in the seventies?

PRODUCER

Except our kid doesn't have that immune whatever disease.

NOTEISNER

What's he have?

PRODUCER

It's not important. We'll come up with something bad, but not bad enough we can't laugh.

NOTEISNER

I don't know. I just got word that we had to shelve Bipolar Dog. Quadriplegic Gals is in turnaround. And the test audience numbers for Diverticulitis Kid make Little Nikki look like Casablanca.

PRODUCER

This is different. It's serious. But it's also funny. Our studies show a distinct interest in films where we can laugh at people who have it worse than us. And...the cross promotion is organic.

NOTEISNER

Hmm. Kids begging their moms for Bubble Boy

Happy Meals and breathing accessories . I like it.

PRODUCER

And don't forget merchandising? Bubble Boy Bubblegum. Bubble Boy Bubblewrap.

NOTEISNER

You know there'll be those politically correct, namby-pambies who'll think that we're, what's that word...?

PRODUCER

Insensitive?

NOTEISNER

No.

PRODUCER

Pandering to the lowest common denominator?

NOTEISNER

No.

PRODUCER

(Brightening) Money hungry.

NOTEISNER

Yes. Yes, that's it.

PRODUCER

And that concerns you?

NOTEISNER

No, I just like hearing it out loud. (into intercom)

Penny, have personnel line up some pickets with signs reading, "Bizney gives too much positive publicity to the handicapped."

PRODUCER

Nice touch, M.N.

NOTEISNER

And if we get any backlash, we'll just say it was greenlit during the Moe Vitz years...er, months. The way he's going down the tubes, the media'll buy it toute suite.

PRODUCER

Or, we can always say that Seinfeld did the same thing and nobody made a big deal about that.

NOTEISNER

Hey. Maybe we can get Michael Richards to play the kid. You know, we can put a door in the bubble and have him making those funny entrances.

PRODUCER

Did you see The Michael Richards Show?

They stare for a long beat, then:

NOTEISNER

Look, if we get too much bad press, we'll just air it on the Bizney Channel, or maybe Focks Family. (into intercom)

Penny, before I leave today, remind me why we bought Focks. PRODUCER

Um. There is one thing I think you should know.

NOTEISNER

What's that?

PRODUCER

There was a real kid in Texas who actually had Severe Combined Immuno Deficiency, or SCID. It's a rare genetic condition that keeps the body from fending off germs. The press called him "The Bubble Boy."

NOTEISNER

Can we sue the kid for using our name?

PRODUCER

I believe he died in '84.

NOTEISNER

Too bad. Well, look at the bright side. at least no one will accuse us of killing him.

High five.

PRODUCER

Here's the cool part. Although the kid died, from the knowledge gained treating him, SCID is now completely treatable for children born with it.

NOTEISNER

What you're saying is, in affect, him having the disease ended up being a good thing.

PRODCUER

Exactly.

NOTEISNER

So calling the film, Bubble Boy, doesn't make fun of the kid. It actually honors his legacy.

Producer attempts to hold back tears. Noteisner gazes out the window.

NOTEISNER

Afterall, Bizney is all about kids.

PRODUCER

I think I may cry, sir.

NOTEISNER

That's okay. Bizney is also about tears.

PRODUCER

(Wiping tears) So, whataya say...? Deal?

NOTEISNER

Deal.

They shake and as the Producer reaches the door:

NOTEISNER

One more thing.

PRODUCER

Yes, sir.

NOTEISNER

Y'think we can have an elderly deer or lion die in this thing?

They both laugh.

FREEZE FRAME

CREDITS ROLL



Steve Young is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing and is author of "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful. (Tallfellow Press). Comment by clicking here.

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© 2001, Steve Young