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Q: I've been married to my husband for 30 years, and it's the third marriage for both of us. I am judgmental about the values and behavior of my in-laws; I have been "being nice" for three decades and am running out of energy to maintain the facade. We are several steps more progressive than my husband's family. He is relatively content with his stabilizing role as scapegoat in the extended family.
He is aware of all this and disappointed, but the few times he has tried to mildly step out of role, one or more of the dynasty has either freaked out or dropped on him like a ton of bricks. His multigenerational "thick skin" is thinning, and now their meanness toward him hurts rather than rolling off the duck's back. I am resentfully resigned yet determined to manage my own feelings and butt out, but I am confused about one area.
As the loyal wife, not the alienated third-wife-in-a-toxic-family-system in which I have cordial but insincere relationships with people who are superficially okay with me, do I lean toward ignoring the million microaggressions toward both of us and just leave the room when it gets too hot? A close mutual friend has experienced the pattern close up and offers two comments. She doubts anybody is fooled by my "being nice," as I have a rubber face. She also thinks husband might have headed off this dynamic if he had put his foot down 40 years ago as the insecure divorced-dad-out, but it's a bit late now. I have confused myself: What is the path of integrity here?
— Keeping the Peace
A: You're confused because you're torn between two competing loyalties - keeping the peace as a dedicated partner and the part of you that is done "being nice."
Your husband is playing the scapegoat. You are the polite third wife and/or the loyal wife. You didn't ask for these roles, but you've been cast into them anyway. Here's the thing: When you change the role you play in a family, it's common for others to "freak out" or pressure you to go back to the way you were. It's extremely difficult to be the one to challenge how a family operates. It's unlikely your husband will all of a sudden assert boundaries when he's been playing a role of scapegoat for many decades - especially when he has tried and reverted his behavior.
Part of your resentment stems from the unspoken job you've taken on in protecting your husband from a family that he's semi-resigned to. Allow yourself to acknowledge and name this, so you can start to really explore what it means to be a "loyal wife" without becoming an emotional buffer. Loyalty doesn't have to mean co-signing his silence, absorbing his hurt or shielding him from consequences he's unwilling or unable to confront. Have an open and ongoing conversation with him about the following: What are the terms of engagement you can both agree to when around his family? What are your non-negotiables? In what ways can you both step up to support each other, and in what other ways can you set boundaries around your time with your in-laws?
You don't need to change your in-laws or your husband, but you do need to change the terms of your participation and start acting in ways that feel authentic and self-respecting. If your face is "rubber," then they probably already know you're not fully in it, so why not stop pretending otherwise? If you want to butt out, then butt out. Practice principled nonparticipation, where you can respectfully withdraw your energy, and complicity, from the dysfunctional family system. This might look like leaving the room if things "get too hot," saying "hmmm" instead of nodding and agreeing with a problematic statement, opting out of talking about a certain issue or redirecting the conversation.
You can choose what to carry and what you refuse to perform anymore. And if you are up for it, you may consider more explicit boundaries such as limiting your time with your in-laws altogether, declaring you're not comfortable with something or politely asking them to stop saying [microaggression]. Integrity is not just blowing up at every comment, nor is it continuing to be "nice" and swallowing the discomfort. Figure out the middle ground on which you are comfortable.
Finally, it will be important to create rituals to repair your integrity after hanging out with your in-laws. This can look like sending a voice note to your friend who gets it, writing the letter you'd never send to your mother-in-law, creating a tradition for after these visits with your husband, or just journaling and naming what you didn't say.
These will help you stay grounded in who you are and where you feel a sense of real belonging.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.
Previously:
• I'm worried my son's girlfriend is isolating him from his loved ones
• My brother's getting married, and my 'volatile' mom is getting meaner
• I love my partner, but I also want to focus on my dreams
• My in-laws' visits last for months. I'm at my wit's end
• I'm dreading celebrating my emotionally manipulative mom's birthday