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• The Dallas Cowboys new head coach 51-year-old Brian Schottenheimer expressed confidence Thursday in the team's chance of success this season. He would be wise not to be too successful. The last Dallas Cowboys coach to win the Super Bowl got fired, so he's not going to repeat THAT mistake.
• Business Week reports that AI startup IPO's are creating a record number of billionaires this year. And Like an old retiring ballplayer, AOL announced after 36 years it will end dial-up Internet by late September. Hopefully, that photo of Teri Hatcher I've been downloading will be finished by then.
• The AMA says Ozempic reduces alcohol cravings by altering that area of the brain associated with reward and motivation. It can reduce cravings for the pleasurable effects of alcohol. I know one party animal who took Ozempic and drinks just one beer with dinner, and he's down to 13 dinners a day.
• Minnesota Vikings fans were furious Friday after the team added two male cheerleaders. To represent the Viking historical tradition they'd better be extremely handsome. Scandinavia has the world's most beautiful women because the Vikings tossed the ugly ones overboard on the way home.
• UFC chief Dana White confirmed the plan that the White House will host an Ultimate Fighting Championship on the South Lawn next July 4th. It's on the nation's 250th birthday. Fight fans expect to witness the most savage beat down at the White House since Hillary Clinton discovered the blue dress.
• President Trump flew to Elmendorf Air Force Base in Alaska Friday for a summit with Russian President Putin. We mean well but our past record states otherwise. The problem with U.S. diplomacy is that America sees itself as Dennis Quaid while the rest of the world sees us as Randy Quaid.
• President Trump met virtually with European leaders including Zelensky Wednesday ahead of today's summit. Zelensky was in Berlin at the time seeking German support. The Germans agreed to send tanks to Ukraine as long as they are allowed to roll through Poland to get there for old times' sake.
• President Trump demanded that the NFL allow the Washington Commanders to return to their original long-time name the Washington Redskins. I have a better idea. If the team wants to go to the Super Bowl every year they should call themselves the Washington Lobbyists because they never lose.
• L.A. Mayor Karen Bass railed at Trump's immigration policy Thursday as federal agents seized illegal migrants on the sidewalk outside a rally in a downtown building. This town is on edge. Last night in West Hollywood I ordered an ICEE at the movie theater and the concession attendant surrendered to me.
• Congressman Eric Swalwell hosted a town hall in San Francisco Thursday where he ripped Republicans as fascists. A few years ago the House Intelligence Committee Member got honey-trapped into a torrid affair with a gorgeous Chinese spy. Whenever I see Eric I thank him for his service to our country.
• Governor Gavin Newsom vowed to gerrymander five more Democratic districts in California to make up for the five lost to the GOP gerrymandering in Texas. It's catching on. Vladimir Putin now says he didn't actually invade Ukraine, he simply re-drew the district of Russia until it looks like Illinois.
• Pittsburgh Steelers' Aaron Rodgers caused a flap Monday saying he was doing a Joe Biden by wandering aimlessly behind the bench in Saturday's preseason game. Aaron Rodgers was able to make it in for only 4 plays. Abe Lincoln only made it in for one play, and he never attended the theater again.
• News Corp. reports the California Post daily newspaper will debut early next year which will be the New York Post tabloid of the West Coast. Yesterday the Post's Page Six showed a nice photo of comic Kathy Griffin in Malibu after her 3rd facelift. Since Trump got elected her old face left the country.
• WNBA games were hit for a fifth time by somebody throwing a dildo onto the court last week in Los Angeles. However skeptics all over social media suspect that the WNBA surreptitiously staged the dildo-tossing incidents for publicity and sympathy. Who'd ever guess that dildos were an inside job?
• President Trump and Vladimir Putin each flew into Alaska last evening. Alaska's hospitality matches their culture. When you step off the airplane in Hawaii, a native girl drapes your neck with a floral necklace, and when you arrive in Alaska a cab driver shakes your hand with an 8-ball in it.
• President Trump meets with Vladimir Putin today in Anchorage, Alaska. Hopefully they can achieve a cease fire in Ukraine. Trump insisted on Alaska rather than California because the word Putin in Spanish means Little Bitch and Trump doesn't want anybody thinking he's going on The View.
• President Trump named Gloria Gaynor, George Strait, Kiss, Sylvester Stallone and Michael Crawford as the 2025 Kennedy Center Awards recipients. I'm surprised he didn't name Vladimir Putin one of the Kennedy Center Awards honorees. He's a terrific musician and he plays a mean Trump.
• President Trump named country music star George Strait a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors in December. The singer just revealed plans to re-work his old songs to relate to the new generation of country music lovers. His first re-release is titled All My Exes Have Changed Their Sexes.
• President Trump named himself host of the Kennedy Centers Honors Awards show which CBS will telecast live in December. He should tap into all the talent that's available for him at CBS. If Trump wants to emcee a solemn and somber evening, Colbert's joke writers are under network contract.
• Melania Trump vowed to sue Hunter Biden if he won't retract his interview claim that Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to Donald. She was 28 when they met in 1998, 33 when they married. At the time Donald had such a sleazy reputation an immigrant had to step in and do the job Americans refused to do.
• Washington D.C. was patrolled by 400 National Guard soldiers Tuesday. Leftist critics missed accusing Trump of racism for having troops wear jungle camouflage to blend in. The Guard will need to have Spanish cuss words spray-painted on their uniforms to blend into the background in L.A.
• Nancy Pelosi surprised everyone by endorsing a bill in Congress to ban members from playing the stock market, because her $480 million portfolio she amassed while in office is why they wrote the bill. She's now like the 95-year-old guy who won the $500 million Powerball lottery. He's set for life.
• Bernie Sanders spoke in North Carolina Monday to blast fellow Democrats for what he called abandoning the working class. He's forever waging the class struggle. When Bernie was a little boy and he and his friends played Cowboys and Indians, Bernie always played the Chinese railroad worker.
• The South China Post reported a miraculous hospital recovery in Vietnam when a 42-year-old South Korean man regained consciousness after recovering from a stroke for 80 days in a medically induced coma. I feel especially sorry for anybody in an induced coma. That's how I bought a time share.
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