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• People reported that Jennifer Aniston is begging for privacy while vacationing in Spain with her new boyfriend, hypnotist and life coach Jim Curtis. However Radar Online reported this week that Jennifer's romance with the hypnotist has hit a bump in the road. She thinks she's a chicken.
• Forbes reports the Dallas Cowboys are now worth $10 billion making them the most valuable sports franchise in the world. You can't beat them for entertainment. They may no longer win Super Bowls but last year Jerry Jones settled a paternity suit at age 81, tying Abraham's Hebrew Bible record.
• Texas Governor Greg Abbott vowed to arrest Democratic state legislators who fled to Illinois to stall redistricting. Trump needs the five GOP seats. If DC House Democrats gain the Majority, they will impeach Trump for colluding with Russia and Ukraine to achieve peace and kill U.S. weapons sales.
• President Trump is reported planning to meet with Putin as early as next week and then later with Zelensky to try to bring an end to the Ukraine War. It would be the 6th war Trump has halted in 6 months. This ensures the Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded in December to Not Trump.
• Vladimir Putin expressed his willingness to meet with Trump Wednesday after the president threatened sanctions on Putin's biggest oil customers. This week, Trump slapped a 50% tariff on all goods imported from India. In retaliation, customer service call-waiting times are now twice as long.
• President Trump hosted Apple CEO Tim Cook at the White House on Wednesday where they announced a $600 billion investment in factories to build iPhones in the U.S. Apple is by far the most futuristic company out there. They've already adjusted their prices to the next 50 years of inflation.
• The Daily Bruin reported the DOJ extracted a $6 million settlement from UCLA for allowing anti-Semitic student encampments last year. Students set up a No Jew Zone in the middle of campus, upsetting a long tradition of tolerance. For years the No Jew Zone at UCLA was just the basketball team.
• Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem announced she is waiving the age limit for patriotic Americans who want to apply to join ICE. There is some confusion. Last week ICE announced they are looking for rapists, pedophiles, murderers and gang members, and they got 300 job applicants.
• Homeland Security unveiled two more large illegal migrant detention centers on Wednesday located in Indiana and New Jersey. During the election, Donald Trump promised to deport millions of criminal illegal migrants back to their home countries. If he does that, who will root for the Raiders?
• Kamala Harris went on Stephen Colbert's show Friday and discussed her life and plans. When it came his time to share, Colbert expressed hopes for his own future. I thought at any moment, Howard Stern, Ellen and Rosie would join the show and the Canceled Anonymous meeting can be called to order.
• President Trump announced plans to try to iron out a peace proposal with Russia's Vladimir Putin at a summit Friday in Alaska. In my experience it's a huge, strange state that can radically change you. I had a girlfriend who moved to Alaska and ever since she's been cold and distant.
• Sydney Sweeney is set to sign a deal to endorse Bud Light after her American Eagle Jeans ad triggered claims by the Progressives that the ad was Nazi propaganda. They threatened to boycott the jeans company. American Eagle jeans only go up to a size 18 so a liberal boycott won't affect them at all. Major League Baseball history was made on Sunday when the first female umpire Jen Pawol called balls and strikes in Atlanta. Her duties were the same as any male home plate umpire. It seemed ironic that she worked so hard to break the glass ceiling only to have to clean the plate all day.
• Gavin Newsom vowed to redistrict California to balance 5 seats Democrats will lose if Texas is redistricted. It's spreading. President Trump took a magic marker to a map Sunday and gerrymandered the U.S. to include Canada, Greenland, and the Royal and Ancient Golf Club at St. Andrews in Scotland.
• President Trump posted Sunday his determination to remove all the homeless population from Washington D.C. Coincidentally, the same day the National Hobo Convention met in Britt, Iowa. The weekend's activities include a parade, a flea market, and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch.
• President Trump was seen standing on top of the White House to supervise remodeling plans he initiated for the East Wing Thursday. Reporters were startled to see him up there. The Press Secretary announced plans for a 90,000 sq. ft. ballroom to accommodate the president's enormous balls.
• Duchess Meghan was dropped by Netflix after five years of little public interest in her or Prince Harry's lifestyle features in the U.S. and in Britain. I feel badly for Harry. Last week in Santa Barbara Prince Harry called ICE on himself, but Tom Homan just laughed and wished Harry a happy marriage.
• Nancy Pelosi vowed to restore sex-change operations for children once Democrats are back in power. Parenting children these days is tricky. You have to be able to explain the birds and the bees, the bees and the bees, the birds and the birds and also the bees who look like birds but still have a stinger.
• Superman actor Dean Cain, who played the Man of Steel for four years in the TV series Lois and Clark, announced plans to become an ICE agent in L.A. The migrant community mobilized quickly in self-defense. Street vendors in downtown Los Angeles now sell tacos, burritos and kryptonite.
• Texas Republicans enlisted the FBI to track down runaway Democrats to give the GOP a quorum to pass redistricting. Texas has a long history of colorful politicians. Back in the 1920s when reporters asked Governor Ma Ferguson why she supported a bill making English the language of Texas, Governor Ferguson replied that if English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas!
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