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• The New York Post reports a Quinnipiac poll showing shopping is so tense and expensive it's no longer fun. I hate it when the cashier feels the need to hold my money up to the light to see if it's real. It makes me want to inform her that if I could make counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at the Dollar Tree.
• The National Center for Education Progress reports that math scores had the largest decline in history last year. Back when I was a kid all I had in school was a Number 2 pencil and the guy sitting next to me. I always felt if he had applied himself a little harder, I could have made something of myself.
• The Netflix movie Maestro is accused of anti-Semitism for giving Bradley Cooper a large nose to play the composer Leonard Bernstein. Rumors of other changes they made to the actor to make him more Jewish are circumstantial. However, you can see the other changes they made in the director's cut.
• Netflix drew protests for casting Protestant Bradley Cooper to play composer Leonard Bernstein and having him wear a large fake nose, weeks after Netflix cast a black actress to play King George III's wife Charlotte. It gets worse. Hunter Biden and I are both up for the lead in the Billy Graham Story.
• Leonard Bernstein's family defended Bradley Cooper when USA Today ripped him for wearing a big nose to play the Jewish conductor-compose in Netflix's Maestro. It's nothing new. A few years ago, when HBO cast Diane Lane to play Hillary Clinton, Bill offered to play himself in the movie.
• President Biden will fly to Honolulu Monday to get a first-hand look at the wildfire damage to Maui and deliver a message to the nation. Everybody's nervous about what he might say. I'll be happy if Joe doesn't view the smoldering ruins in Hawaii and ask Congress to declare war on the Umpire of Japan.
• Hunter Biden's past attempt to plead out his tax and gun charges was dismissed by his federal judge and he will now stand trial either in DC or California. It may not matter where. Hunter would enjoy a heavily Democratic jury in DC but he'd do even better in California where nothing is illegal now.
• The Weather Channel reported the warm Pacific temperatures herald the return of an El Nino winter. It so happens a rare hurricane is making its way up from Mexico and will hit California tonight, but state officials are ready. The moment it arrives, they'll give it a driver's license and a ballot.
• CBS News reported Hurricane Hillary will approach Southern California tonight arriving from Mexico Residents in conservative Orange County need to board up their windows and pray for mercy from Hillary's wrath. Most people never connected that Orange County was named with Trump in mind.
• Donald Trump scheduled a press conference Monday to present evidence disproving some of the ninety-one charges in the four indictments that he faces in trials next year. I would advise Donald to read the book by the legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden. He was the last guy to go 91-0.
• Donald Trump asked that his federal trial scheduled for January 2024 be delayed to January 2026. He said the Special Counsel has 12 million pages of documents his lawyers must read, and that much paper stacks a mile high. It appears Trump is just being used to satisfy the D.C. Establishment's hatred of trees.
• Vivek Ramaswamy soared to third in the GOP presidential polls Thursday as his message began catching on in Iowa. I love the Indo-American's idea to fix what's wrong with America, and it just might work. He suggests we turn off the country, wait ten seconds, turn it back on, and see if that fixes it.
• Disney Studio photos from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs confirmed the film won't feature seven dwarfs in the film. The seven roles will feature one dwarf but the other six are cast to be racially diverse. I was going to tell a joke about the seven dwarfs but sometimes you've got to be the bigger man.
• Visit New York reports sixty-one million tourists are traveling to the Big Apple in 2023 to see all the sights and the shows. Tickets have already gone on sale for the annual Christmas Show at Radio City Music Hall. To ensure a huge box office, this year's Nativity Scene features Barbie's Dream Stable.
• Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellin disclosed Monday during her visit to China a few weeks ago, they served her a traditional hot coffee drink laced with psychedelic magic mushrooms. I just tried the new magic mushroom coffee. I don't really like it as much as the three giraffes in my kitchen.
• New York City declared war on the city's exploding rat infestation Monday by setting new traps to snag them en masse. The Department of Sanitation drilled four-inch holes in subterranean pipes and the rats fall through them into a gigantic vat of alcohol. The rats either die or they pledge Sigma Nu.
• President Biden spoke on the one-year anniversary of the Inflation Reduction Act Wednesday in Wisconsin. He also praised the example set by the Women's World Cup team. Last week during the World Cup, a player scored on a windmill kick and Joe claimed it was proof his energy policy is working.
• President Biden took credit for a booming economy Wednesday in his speech to Milwaukee. He overlooked the polls showing a lot of consumer dissatisfaction. I hate it when WalMart doesn't have what I need, and I have to go home and change out of my pajamas, take a shower, and go to Target.
• NBC News reported Thursday that the GOP presidential candidates are spending their nights in debate prep as if Trump will show up for Monday's debate. Trump supporters have never been more fired up for the campaign. They're all now wearing red golf caps inscribed Prisoner of the United States.
• Fox News will host the first GOP presidential candidate debate in Iowa on Monday with fourteen GOP hopefuls anxious to perform well onstage in Des Moines. I think the sooner they can thin out the herd, the better. As of Thursday six of the candidates were polling at two percent, tied with skim milk.
• The New York Post cited a Quinnipiac Poll saying that seventy percent of Americans don't want Trump to run for president and seventy-six percent of Americans don't want Joe Biden to run for re-election. Today our country is split right down the middle. It's the most unity we've had in sixty years.
• North Korea's Kim Jung Un supervised ICBM nuclear missile tests on Thursday under the close watch of US monitors. Kim declared he was happy to see satellite photos that told him the missiles destroyed their target. However, Kim's generals had to tell him that San Francisco always looks like that.
• New York was faced with what to do with all the migrant children on the street now that school has started Monday. Seven million migrants have crossed illegally into the U.S. since 2020. I think we should replace the Border Patrol with a general practitioner's receptionist and then let's see who gets in.
• Mark Zuckerberg made a new app, Threads, to rival Twitter and serve as companion social media to his Instagram and Facebook. Personally I'm tired of women trying to Friend me on Facebook by sending their topless photos to me. It's debasing and it's unwarranted and I'm running out of disk space.
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