Just Go Outside

It is time to go outside.

Tell that to your kids. Tell that to yourself. Tell that to the culture that has de-normalized even plain old summer fun, rewriting it as a dangerous thing to do without taking along hydration, healthy snacks, sunscreen, a sun hat, a phone for emergencies, a phone for tracking and a phone to snap pictures of how much unselfconscious fun you are having (in the shade, to avoid skin cancer).

And also, if you're a kid, you're expected to take along an adult to watch your every move, and high-five you along the way, lest your self-esteem melt like a Popsicle in your backpack. (WHAT KIND OF MORON PUTS A POPSICLE IN THEIR —? Oh. Sorry. Self-esteem again. I know, I know.)

The truth is, going outside is actually not complicated or dangerous. It's what we humans did almost obsessively for our first 300,000 years. Even today, all it really requires is a door and you going out toward the side with the sky and trees — or pointing your kid in that direction and giving a little shove.

To make that easier, here is a song to give you courage. Please sing it all summer long. LOUD.

JUST GO OUTSIDE

To the tune of "I Will Survive" 

At first I was afraid, I was petrified

I thought my kids could not survive if they weren't safe inside

But then they spent so many days

Eating Fritos on the floor

Sponge Bob blaring on the tube, I couldn't take it anymore!

And now I'm back, from that scared place

I just walked in to find my kids with that glazed look upon their face

So I unchained my front door lock

And I turned off my big TV

And I told my kids exactly what my mama had told me:

Go on now go, walk out the door!

Just take some chalk now, 'cause you're not staying in no more

Weren't you the ones who whined there's nothing fun to do?

So got out and tumble

Or find some dog to play with you!

The weather's fine

So go outside!

As long as there's no streetlights on you can't come back inside

You've got lots of things to do

Take a Hula Hoop with you

So go outside. Go play outside. Hey, hey!

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It took all the strength I had just to let them go

Kept thinking Nancy Grace would come and put me on her show

And I spent oh so many days just feeling doubtful of myself,

Then I said hey,

And re-watched "50 Shades of Grey."

And now my kids, they're like brand-new!

They're not those chained up little monsters swigging Mountain Dew

And they know how to kick a ball

And they know how to climb a tree

Now I'm hearing all the other parents sayin' just like me:

Go on now go, go play outside!

As long as there's no streetlights on you can't come back inside

You've got so much more to do

Take your sister out with you

So go outside —

Hey, hey!