Elmer Gets his Gun

About a year ago, HBO Max announced it was bringing back Looney Tunes' Elmer Fudd — but not his weapon.

"We're not doing guns," the executive producer, Peter Browngardt, told The New York Times. In its first new cartoon, Elmer chased Bugs Bunny with a scythe.

But maybe because a hunter with a wheat-cropping tool just didn't make much sense — and we're talking less sense than a cross-dressing, smack-talking wabbit — the company just announced they are giving Elmer back his gun.

This caught several other entertainment entities off guard, as they were already updating their properties for these safer and more virtuous times, including:

William Tells: When Will's dad threatens to shoot an arrow through an apple on his head, William tells his teacher, who tells Child Protective Services, which removes dad from the home. At school, Will is celebrated for speaking out against toxic masculinity and food waste.

Annie Get Your PenKnife: Annie Oakley is the fastest name-carver-in-a-picnic-table west of the Rockies. But when Frank Butler ambles by and chunks a bowl of veggies quicker than you can say, "Low Carb-tastic!" she knows she's met her match. There's love and the smell of a quick and healthy summer supper in the air, as the two sing, "You Can't Get a Man with a Whittling Implement," and the updated duet, "Anything You Can Do, We Can Do Better Together."

Fiddler on the Ground: Thanks to CGI, Tevye the Dairyman is safer than ever, fiddling on his lawn and wearing a hard hat just in case his violin case falls off the roof — a prudent move prompting his joyous anthem, "To Life (Insurance)!" Other hits include: "Mask-Maker," "Far From the Home I Retro-fitted with Grab Bars" and the big opening number about the one thing that makes life a lot more orderly, "Permission!"

Cancelin' Gretel: Lost in the woods, Hansel and Gretel spy a gingerbread house. Gretel warns Hansel not to go in, but suspecting it is Gretel's food issues talking, Hansel knocks. He and the little old homeowner bond over gumdrops and agree to co-author a children's book that leaves out Gretel because she has "crone-shamed" Hansel's new friend.

The Nut-free Suite: Tschaikovsky can hum happily from his grave, knowing at last there is a version of his ballet featuring Clara and the hypoallergenic toy she brings to life, Ken, who's never had any nuts.

The Wizard of Us! Dorothy and her friends Scarecrow, Tin Man and the Social-Anxiety Lion set out on the Yellow Brick Road, where they meet the Wicked Witch of the West. When she solemnly swears to renounce the use of cackling, as "cackling is violence," WW joins the squad because she, too, has always felt like an imposter. Together, the five open "You're in Kansas," a store on Oz's main street featuring artisanal, corn-based, sugar-free desserts.

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The Cat in the Natural Habitat: After pulling four books from circulation, the Seuss Sensitivity Team paused to take a hard look at the rest of the author's racist, sexist, hate-filled oeuvre. Rather than burning them all, Editor-in-Chief Cindy-Lou Whom announced, the firm will be updating some of the "classist classics" as the staff calls them.

Aside from "The Cat," who now teaches kids about composting, revisionists are hard at work on "Hop on Cops," "How the Grinch Stole a Seasonal Holiday" and "Horton Fears a #MeToo."

Are You My Other? A baby bird looking for "The Other" — a group or species he can disparage and disdain — comes to realize it is wrong to "Other" other others, and goes to live with a steam shovel.