Donald Trump Debates Donald Trump

Rick Robinson: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Ludlow-Bromley Yacht Club somewhere near Ohio for the match up everyone has been waiting for — Donald Trump versus Donald Trump.

Since Mr. Trump has now declared that if he wins the GOP Presidential nomination, he won't run against himself as an independent, tonight The Donald will — in his own words — attempt to explain his position on the issues important to American voters.

Now let's meet the contestants. First, a successful businessman and reality game show host who hates Rosie O'Donnell, please welcome Donald Trump. His opponent is a candidate for the Presidency of the United States who apparently also hates Rosie O'Donnell — Donald Trump.

Alright gentlemen, let's get started.

Planned Parenthood has been in the news this week. So, I'll ask a relatively easy question. What is your position on the issue of abortion?

Donald the Game Show Host: "I'm very pro-choice."

RR: Okay, thank you. That seems pretty straight forward and easy to understand. Mr. Trump your response to yourself.

Donald the Politician: "I'm very pro-life and feel strongly about it."

RR: There seems to be some contradiction here, but you do seem to appeal to all on the political spectrum. So, let's move on. Much of the current political landscape is focused on the future of universal health care. Where do you stand?

Donald the Game Show Host: "I'm a liberal on healthcare. I like universal. What's the country all about if we're not going to take care of our sick?"

RR: Again very understandable position, Mr. Trump. In fact your plan for tax-subsidized health marts under a single-payer system sounds a lot like Obamacare, without the individual mandate. Mr. Trump what do you think about Mr. Trump's position on universal healthcare?

Donald the Politician: "They (Republicans) have to toughen up on Obamacare which is a total lie and a total and complete disaster … a scheme to drag America closer to so-called single-payer system."

RR: Aw, come on Mr. Trump. You can't take both sides on this one too. You even wrote about creating a new single-payer plan for America.

Donald the Politician: "I think that's pretty pathetic to be honest with you."

RR: You can call me names if you want, but I can't help but see a pattern here. Your present and past positions just aren't matching up.

Donald the Politician: "What I say is what I say. I've been very nice to you, although I could probably maybe not be, based on the way you've treated me. But I wouldn't do that. If it weren't for me you wouldn't even be talking about this."

RR: I know that, Mr. Trump. And it's because of that that I'm trying to figure out your exact position on the issues. You said the Republicans had drifted too far right, so you quit and joined the Reform Party. You quit the Reform Party to become a Democrat. Then you registered Independent. And now you're a Republican again, call yourself a conservative, and want to be the party's nominee for President. You once proposed the largest federal surtax in American history and now want tax cuts for the same people you wanted to tax. You're right, it is because of you we're talking about this.

Donald the Game Show Host: "You're fired."

RR: You can't fire me. It's my debate and all I'm doing is using your own words to try and figure out what the hell you actually believe.

Donald the Politician: "You're stupid."

RR: Maybe, but if you want to be the president, even stupid people like me should know what you stand for. Let's move on to another issue. This should be easy - guns. Maybe we can find some consistency here.

Donald the Game Show Host: "I support the ban on assault weapons and I also support a slightly longer waiting period to purchase a gun."

RR: Alright, now we're getting somewhere. That's a simple, honest policy statement. Mr. Trump do you still agree with yourself?

Donald the Politician: "To the left, every weapon is an assault weapon. I do not support expanding background checks. The current background checks do not work."

RR: You know what I think about both of you? You have no beliefs. You're both noobs reading from a script written to boost television ratings. And there are those in the electorate who are so starved for leadership, they are willing to ignore the fact that you're selling them snake oil. Peace be with those who follow you down the trail. The first lemming off the cliff should not be mistaken as a leader for those that follow and jump to their death. I'm out of here.

Donald the Politician: There you go. I won the debate.

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As a conservative humorist, 48 percent of Americans think Rick's work is devoid of any journalistic value whatsoever --- let alone humor. Of the remaining 52 percent, half of them think his columns are serious. Yet, the remaining group helped make his collection of columns, titled Strange Bedfellow , premiere at No. 1 on Amazon’s Top Seller List of political humor.