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Jewish World Review August 20, 2004 / 3 Elul, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Dallas Cowboys got sued by the players' union for releasing Quincy Carter for flunking a drug test. When did they get so strict? This is a team that moved its summer training camp to Thousand Oaks because Betty Ford wouldn't let them run a tab.

The Los Angeles School District was reported Monday to be embarrassed by low SAT scores this year. In other words, mission accomplished. The city wants to make sure that high-paying jobs in the television industry will never move to India.

John Kerry flew his personal stylist to Oregon Saturday to trim his hair. It had to be done during the day. The western power grid cannot generate enough kilowatts to light up the Las Vegas Strip and dry John Kerry's hair at the same time.

John Kerry drank a few beers at a Boston bar with a reporter doing a story on him for Gentleman's Quarterly. He's trying to be a regular guy. Last week he even lowered the glass partition between him and his driver when he went mountain biking.

Arizona will vote in November whether to require proof of citizenship to vote or get welfare. No one knows if illegal aliens would vote Democrat or Republican. John Kerry may offer free health care, but President Bush crosses borders illegally.

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