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Q: My wife and I have a 4-year-old son. I'm very affectionate with him - I hug him a lot, tell him I love him and comfort him when he cries. But my wife is starting to express concern that I'll make him "soft." We both came from strict households but apparently drew different lessons from it. I think showing love and emotion is healthy for boys and, frankly, wish my father hadn't been so tough on me and had shown more love. She thinks that boys need a firm hand and has more of a tough-love approach. We're both good parents, but this is starting to create real tension. How do we resolve a parenting difference that touches on something so personal?
A: It is common for people to parent similarly to how they were raised. It's partly role modeling and partly a way to feel close to our parents by being aligned with them and sharing their values.
At the same time, it's common to reinterpret painful childhood experiences in a more favorable light - to convince ourselves that what was hard was ultimately necessary. If your wife had a strict, emotionally distant father, she may have come to believe that his approach helped shape her strength - and that your son will need the same.
With that in mind, try not to frame your conversations as debates about who's right or wrong. It's far better to try to empathize with her beliefs about parenting, even if you don't share them. Ask lots of questions and don't be judgmental. The more she feels understood, the more open she'll be to hearing your perspective. The more she feels criticized or misunderstood, the more likely she is to shut down or want to prove you wrong.
• Find areas of agreement
You don't have to agree about everything in parenting to find common ground. Make it clear that your disagreements are about approach, not character. Assume she wants your son to feel loved and strong - just like you do - even if she believes a different approach will get him there.
Once it's clear that she feels understood and accepted by you (acceptance doesn't mean agreement - it means acceptance), ask her to try to understand your ideas about parenting. While she believes she benefited from having a strict and unaffectionate father, you had the opposite experience.
Let her know how meaningful it is for you to be the kind of father you wish you'd had. Describe how your father's emotional distance affected you - this may help her empathize with your perspective and goals as a parent.
If she's open to it, have her listen to a podcast or read some of the newer research about raising boys. For example, in the book "BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity," journalist Ruth Whippman observed that parents spend less time with their sons than their daughters and are not nearly as verbal with them. In addition, both mothers and fathers show less empathy when boys express their emotions.
• Boys may need more care
This gap is especially concerning given research suggesting boys may need more emotional support than girls, due to slower brain development and greater vulnerability to stress in early childhood.
Debates about how to raise emotionally healthy boys are more relevant than ever - and they're not just happening at home. Although cultural norms are shifting, many parents still struggle with outdated expectations about masculinity, especially when it comes to emotional expression and vulnerability.
Research shows that the way fathers communicate with young children can shape both their language development and emotional resilience. When fathers don't help their sons name and accept a full range of emotions, it can undermine their mental health and future relationships. Multiple studies link restricted emotionality in adult men to depression, marital dissatisfaction and poor psychological well-being.
• Make adjustments, if needed
Given the research, your instinct to be an affectionate and loving father is a wise one. But the real task isn't just defending your position - it's finding ways to help your wife feel that you are aligned in your hopes for your son, even if you differ on how to get there.
Let her know you're open to keeping an eye on how he's doing over time - emotionally, socially and behaviorally - and adjusting your parenting approaches together, if needed. In addition to Whippman's "BoyMom," read another book together, such as Michael Reichert's "How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men."
Meanwhile, taking pride and pleasure in the full range of your son's emotions is not only good for his psychological development, it will solidify his feelings of trust and closeness with you. Help him challenge the more restrictive and confusing messages about what it means to be male today. And as important, be a good role model in your tenderness and affection - not only with him - but with your wife and friends.
Emotional warmth from a father doesn't make boys weak - it makes them feel secure and valued. In a world that often pressures boys to disconnect from their feelings, your affection becomes a lifeline. If your wife can come to understand that tenderness and resilience are not mutually exclusive but mutually reinforcing, she may find that your differences are less of a divide and more of a complement - two strengths shaping the boy you both love.
• Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict."
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict." Buy it in hardcover at a 44% discount! by clicking here or order in KINDLE edition at a 22% discount by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR.)
Previously:
• My adult children just can't get along. What should I do?
• Radical acceptance can help build emotional resiliency
• A psychologist explains how a new in-law can tear a family apart
• The heartbreak of parent-child estrangement, and how to cope