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Jewish World Review July 30, 2004 / 12 Menachem-Av, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry's speech inspires Dems, drinking game

Players chug beer at references to military service | Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry's acceptance speech at the Democratic national convention last night inspired Democrats nationwide and a popular drinking game, with revelers taking pulls from their beers every time Mr. Kerry referred to his military service.

Donny Timlin, a frequent patron at the T.G.I. Friday's in downtown Tulsa, Oklahoma, was one of many drinkers across the country who participated in the chugging contest based on Mr. Kerry's nationally televised address.

According to the rules of the game, participants were to take one pull from their beer every time Mr. Kerry said the word "veteran," two when he said "Vietnam," and three when he said "band of brothers."

Watching Mr. Kerry on the bar's widescreen TV, Mr. Timlin acknowledged that the drinking game was far more challenging than he originally thought it would be: "Dude's just ten minutes into his speech and I'm already wasted."

In other convention news, actor Ben Affleck was ejected from the Fleet Center in Boston after Democratic Party officials feared that his long-running losing streak at the box office might spread to the Kerry-Edwards ticket in the fall.

While party officials downplayed talk of an "Affleck curse," insiders acknowledged that the actor's presence at the convention had become an unwelcome distraction.

"Maybe it's the lingering effects of 'Gigli,' but every time Ben walked into the building the bomb-sniffing dogs went crazy," one insider said.

Finally, Sen. John Edwards retracted his statement about there being two Americas, saying that he had gotten that information from Mapquest.

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz