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Jewish World Review July 8, 2004 / 19 Tamuz, 5764

Andy Borowitz

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Consumer Reports

Kerry vows to balance Edwards’ warmth and charm by being frosty and aloof

Barely acknowledges audience in latest appearance | In the hopes of balancing the Democratic ticket, Sen. John Kerry today vowed that he would be “frostier and more aloof than ever before” to counter the warmth and charm of his vice-presidential running mate, Sen. John Edwards.

“John Edwards really knows how to connect with voters,” Sen. Kerry told reporters. “To have a truly balanced ticket, then, I have to be even more remote and off-putting than I have been to date.”

While some critics questioned whether a warm, engaging candidate really needed to be balanced by a stiff, charmless robot, Mr. Kerry’s new, more-off-putting-than-usual persona was very much on display in a campaign appearance today in Akron, Ohio.

Instead of giving his usual stump speech, Mr. Kerry barely acknowledged his audience before sitting down and reading the newspaper in stony silence.

In response to criticism of his Akron appearance, which observers called “alienating,” Mr. Kerry said he would continue to give voters the cold shoulder: “This is the real me, and if the voters don’t like it they can put it where the sun don’t shine. Honestly, I’ve had about enough of these jokers.”

Perhaps to offer a counterpoint to Mr. Kerry’s icy performance, Mr. Edwards today kissed twenty thousand babies and toddlers, believed to be a modern-day record for a vice-presidential candidate.

In other news, Saddam Hussein said today that he was still the President of Iraq, and added that he was looking forward to the next season of “Friends.”

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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, a former president of the Harvard Lampoon, is a regular humor columnist for, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville. He is the author of the just released "Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and "Trillionaire Next Door: The Greedy Investor's Guide to Day Trading" , "Rationalizations to Live By". Comments by clicking here. Visit his website by clicking here.


© 2004, Andy Borowitz